Things haven't been "normal" for us since August 2008. That's when my back first went out after SaraRose was born. She was 9 months old. It's been almost 2 years since then. *Sigh*
I've had two surgeries, tons of tests, lots of doctors, months upon months of waiting, more medication than I can count, and many, many tears. And things still aren't right. After all we've been thru I'm in intense pain. And I've already gone thru so much to try and correct it. What does this mean? More doctors for sure. Definitely more tests. Potentially more surgery. Lots of unknowns.
One of the quirkiest, hardest things about living with unknowns is that they are ALWAYS there. The elephant in the room. We've learned to try and live around it anyway. To just ignore it, or we'll lose our minds having to look it in the eye all the time. But it's a weird way to live. It's with us on family outings. It wakes me up at night. It came with us on our Disney trip. Even when we are really happy, reality is just around the corner. And of course there are those moments when we HAVE to face it and talk about what's been just under the surface all the time. It takes a toll on a person, a family, a marriage. I'm find myself on edge more often than not. My softness and levity is replaced with a more jagged, uptight, volatile wife-mother-friend.
I know there are lots of people that have to live this way. I think specifically of our friends, the McRae's, who's little 5 year old, Kate, has brain cancer. But in between treatments, they just got back from a family trip to Universal Studios. To read their story click here. Definitely a not-so-normal normal, living with fear but going on anyway.
But I've learned that's the key. To keep on moving. Life certainly does. Why let the stress and pressure suck all the good out of potentially sweet moments? It's hard. Sometimes the energy to even carry on a conversation can be overwhelming. But sometimes you have to just do it. Put on a smile. Put one foot in front of the other. And try to enjoy the good things that exist amidst all the bad. Don't "let it lick you," to quote Scarlett O'Hara! And hopefully if the terrible season ever comes to an end, you'll be able look back and say.....those were some awful years, but we had some good times thru them anyway, didn't we?
SaraRose's first fair ride!
Thank you so much for sharing. It is nice to read someone else's thoughts and someone else's heart. I think about you often, and wonder what God has in store. You look so beautiful, especially in that picture with you and SaraRose. She is a blessed little girl. She may not have the normal everyday life of a two year-old, but she has a mom who loves Jesus and holds on to him through the good and bad. That will be a strong witness in times to come, and who knows, someday when she is older and facing a "pain" of her own, these dark days or yours may be her only comfort. And all that you have learned may be what really speaks to her- the wisdom that can only be gained in the hardest, toughest, darkest, longest storms. Experience is sometimes the greatest minister. God will use this, Kristen. And I truly believe, one day, you will bow before him and offer up only a heart of thanks for this time. But, until then, keep learning, seeking, asking, and even longing. Be true to your feelings, honest with yourself, and let God minister to you there. I heard a scripture in Job the other day. Job 23:10 "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Your life is an encouragement.
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