Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I went to Super Walmart today with SaraRosie. Not just Walmart...Super Walmart. In Pinellas Park. Usually, that's Super Disgusting.
I haven't been able to go in over two years because of my back. I used to LOATHE it. Mostly because there are so many people like this (seriously, check out the link. Hysterical.) But it's hands down the cheapest place to buy--everything. So, I'd go. And leave in a bad mood ;0)
But it's amazing what a little perspective can do for ya. I had a wonderful time walking the aisles this morning. In spite of the nastiness that just IS Super Walmart, it took me back to the days when I was healthy and strong--my head full of recipes for dinner and the satisfaction I was saving us money and helping Andrew out.
This morning, I was happy to be there. I had made it. It was an effort, but I'd driven, (with SaraRose in tow, no less...darling girl climbs in and out of the carseat by herself), I'd (from the knees!) lifted her into the cart, and I'd walked around the store to buy a few items. And when we got home we made these for Daddy and his co-workers:
I know I whine on here a lot, but sometimes I just gotta get it out. And this is my outlet for that, so excuse this very whiny paragraph...
The feeling that I'm contributing to our family is few and far between these days. It seems like I'm always needing help. I can't stand long enough to cook, I can barely pick up toys. I can't care for SaraRose all day by myself. I can't grocery shop. I can't do laundry. I need help to tie my shoes, to pick up the pretzel I just dropped. To get something off the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. It goes on and on...and let me tell you, it gets OLD. All this neediness is tough on a young wife and mom who found most of her worth in being involved, helping, going, doing.
Ok, enough of that....
The road with my back is far from over, but things are at least stable right now. It's definitely made me appreciate the little things. Even Super Walmart! I am doing what I can. I'm trying to rest in the fact that it's not WHAT I can do, but WHO I AM that's the most important. That's a super hard lesson, especially when you're forced into it. But for the first time....I wasn't fuming with irritation when I left Walmart's parking lot....so that's a start, right?!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Right where I should be

I was talking with a friend this morning and the conversation of course came to my back pain and how I'm doing now. Ok folks, this is how I'm doing. Things are not great. The pain in my back and legs is different since my surgery a year ago, but has perhaps created a new problem and pain is still very much there. So much so that it greatly inhibits my life. It keeps me on medication and makes me have to lie down for at least 5 hours a day. I'm still looking for answers. More doctors opinions, more tests, and probably more surgery.

But right now, TODAY, I'm doing Ok. I'm resting, and I just got got back from hanging out with a friend. And I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store with SaraRose when she wakes up. Sounds like a great day to me! So, this is where I'm at.....Living one day at a time, because living in fear is too draining. Relying on God every day to keep my perspective in place. Stretched to the place that my own strength is not enough. Starting each day in prayer for what I need that day or I know I won't make it. I am learning. I am fighting. I'm moving forward with joy and living to fullest even though there is pain and a lot of unknowns. I'm choosing a good attitude even though I've had to sacrifice much of what I want. I'm trying to reach out and love others (because there's nothing like living in pain to make you selfish.) I'm stripped of almost everything I felt made me a worthy person, but I'm trusting I'm still worthy without any of that. I'm not necessarily waiting to be delivered from this anymore, because I've realized that thru it God has a plan. There's more I could add to this list, but you get the idea.

And you know what? I'm probably in the best place I could be. The place God's always wanted me to be: completely weak in my own strength. Uncomfortable, but uncomplaining. Finding joy in the littlest moments because those are the ones that matter. Praying all the time. Purposeful. Sacrificing. And trusting God sees my effort when no one else does.

I never, ever, ever would've wanted to learn it like this. But I am learning. And trusting. And humbled. All things that tell me I'm probably right where I should be.
For "when I am weak, then I am strong."
PS. The pic up top I took with fancy smancy new camera! LOVE.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Like mother...

I was driving today with my tiny little two year old in the back seat. And she was singing at the VERY TOP of her lungs "Jesus Love the Little Children." It made me laugh and it touched my heart. And as I listened, I prayed for her. That she would come to know Christ and have His guiding Holy Spirit from an early age. And that she would always love Him and serve him no matter what.

And you know what I heard the Lord say to me? "Then you show her how with your own life, Kristen. Be the woman you hope she'll become some day. Show her what it looks like to keep walking one day at a time with joy; because you're resting in My promises. Don't give up on your faith, no matter what. Don't let Satan discourage you. Keep reading, living out, clinging to the truth in my Word. Keep believing that I am who I say I am. Because if she doesn't see that in you, why would she ever want it for herself?"

So help me to be a true follower of You, Lord, thru all of life's up's and down's. Not just because I need you so much, but also because there's a pair of little eyes watching me.

And whisper in her ear, sweet Jesus. Whisper in her ear.

Deep breath....then, ice cream

I just returned a call to the doctor I've been dreading. I had to tell the assistant on the other end that I'm just not ready to schedule another surgery yet. The woman was very kind and even sweet (a rarity with doctor's offices).
I knew it wasn't going to be that big of a deal, but still. I've put it off for four days now just because I know when I pick up the phone I'm going to have to "go there." And I'm SICK of "going there." The pit in my stomach that reminds me I still have lots of decisions to make about what's the right next step to possibly help my lower back pain. I absolutely hate dealing with medical stuff, and I've had to deal with so many different aspects of it (testing, appointments, doctors, insurance, medication, surgery, life-changing decisions) for a long time now. I'm over it.
As a little girl whenever I did something brave, like getting shots at the doctor, or after my first day of school, my mom would swing by McDonalds and buy me a vanilla ice cream cone.
And no kidding, when I hung up from making this call, I was almost expecting someone to be standing there with a proud smile and a cone of creamy goodness for me. No one was there, of course. I'm 31 years old, for goodness sakes. But some things from childhood never die. And when SaraRose wakes up I may just take her out to McDonalds in honor of my courage. I think I deserve it.