Friday, March 5, 2010

Right where I should be

I was talking with a friend this morning and the conversation of course came to my back pain and how I'm doing now. Ok folks, this is how I'm doing. Things are not great. The pain in my back and legs is different since my surgery a year ago, but has perhaps created a new problem and pain is still very much there. So much so that it greatly inhibits my life. It keeps me on medication and makes me have to lie down for at least 5 hours a day. I'm still looking for answers. More doctors opinions, more tests, and probably more surgery.

But right now, TODAY, I'm doing Ok. I'm resting, and I just got got back from hanging out with a friend. And I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store with SaraRose when she wakes up. Sounds like a great day to me! So, this is where I'm at.....Living one day at a time, because living in fear is too draining. Relying on God every day to keep my perspective in place. Stretched to the place that my own strength is not enough. Starting each day in prayer for what I need that day or I know I won't make it. I am learning. I am fighting. I'm moving forward with joy and living to fullest even though there is pain and a lot of unknowns. I'm choosing a good attitude even though I've had to sacrifice much of what I want. I'm trying to reach out and love others (because there's nothing like living in pain to make you selfish.) I'm stripped of almost everything I felt made me a worthy person, but I'm trusting I'm still worthy without any of that. I'm not necessarily waiting to be delivered from this anymore, because I've realized that thru it God has a plan. There's more I could add to this list, but you get the idea.

And you know what? I'm probably in the best place I could be. The place God's always wanted me to be: completely weak in my own strength. Uncomfortable, but uncomplaining. Finding joy in the littlest moments because those are the ones that matter. Praying all the time. Purposeful. Sacrificing. And trusting God sees my effort when no one else does.

I never, ever, ever would've wanted to learn it like this. But I am learning. And trusting. And humbled. All things that tell me I'm probably right where I should be.
For "when I am weak, then I am strong."
PS. The pic up top I took with fancy smancy new camera! LOVE.

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