Monday, November 29, 2010

Looking up

Well, after my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day on Wednesday I feel the need to update.

I had a really wonderful Thanksgiving.

We sat all jammied that morning and watched the Macy's parade. SaraRose kicked her legs and twirled with the Rockettes as Andrew and I chatted over coffee. And we ate this for breakfast:

Monkey bread. One of my favorite flavors in the whole world. Very fattening. Very good.
And we had a laughing good time at family dinner that night.

I also got out on Black Friday. Which was a biggie since I haven't been up to it for 3 years now.

And SaraRose came along to complete the fabulous girls only shopping day. Here she is with her glassy eyed bed head at 5:00 am., what a good sport!

It all really was terrific.
There is so much goodness and joy.

It's just switching my attitude and actions that's the tricky part.

Looking up instead of at my circumstance.

Because in my circumstances,

I'm coming to grips with the fact that really and truly my life may be lived with chronic pain.

And wrapping my mind around all that means.

It just makes me so

sad/discouraged/jealous/about 100 other feelings.

And many times I don't handle things so maturely because of that looming burden.

I am still praying for a miracle.

But I'm also aware of with the fact that it just may not happen.

And clinging to the hope that that really is OK. Because there is a plan for me, and it is perfect.

Even though I never ever expected crippling pain to be a part of that just may be.

But there are still losses I'm grieving and questions only God can answer.

I am back to living one day at a time, and looking for blessings in spite of it all--

because that is the only way I can manage my fear,

and it's how I'm supposed to live anyway. ;)

--and praying He'll show me what in the world He has for me next.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Before Thanksgiving

Have I been down today, or what?! Since you haven't been here with me, I'll just fill you in that yes. Yes I have. It's one of those days I absolutely cannot snap out of it. And that coming from a gal who, if I do say so myself, has learned quite bravely to live with a smile while in constant pain. And it's even worse that it's right before a holiday that's totally all about being THANKFUL. Everywhere I turn there are chipper lists of happy things.....
and I feel like a louse for feeling a bit miserable!
There are several reasons I'm in a funk, but they all pretty much stem from my back pain which hasn't changed since my latest surgery. It's hard to describe the disappointment something like that brings. You put all your hopes in this one horrible basket and then.........nothing. And then there's the other considerable losses chronic pain brings with it. Today, it's all just felt a little too much to handle (in a mature fashion). So I've cried. Alot.

I think I might run out now and buy the 7th Harry Potter book, maybe that will help things. ;) I'm just now reading thru the series (and loving it, I might add) but I just so happen to be on the last book the same week the last movie came out. So, at the library every single HP book was checked out. So, of course Miss Sensitive Today cried about that too! Seriously. It's been an emotional day.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. That's the great thing about a new day. There is always the promise of fresh starts and a rested spirit.

And at least I don't have it as bad as poor Harry. ;) What with all the grown-ups he loved dead and Voldemort on his tail. Sheesh. That's one thing I can be thankful for! :)