Monday, October 19, 2009

A Prayer for SaraRose Joy

Here is a short poem I wrote when SaraRose was born. I read it when Andrew and I dedicated her to the Lord. Little did I realize how quickly I'd have to put our words of dedication into action....about a month later all my health problems began.
Letting go of all I want to be as a mom and giving my time with her away to others is one of the hardest things to deal with.
The Lord is teaching me that even when I can't be there for her like I want to, He is watching over her and working all things for our good. Even when I don't understand.
Being God is way above my pay level anyway!

Joy of our hearts--
How we love watching you grow.
As your precious life blooms
May your heart be filled
With the hope of Christ,
And may you come
To know Him fully.
May you always look up
In sunshine and in rain
Knowing you are
A special creation
Never to be duplicated.

May your heart remain tender,
But also strong.
Choosing love
And giving kindness
To those on your path.

May your roots grow deep
And your bloom be bright
With happiness and hope;
Freedom and joy--
All the days of your life.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Dealing with the Hope Question

A friend of mine called today and says (not knowing the struggle with hope I've been having), "We're going to keep hoping, because 'hope does not disappoint'." Now, I know that's in the Bible, but I'm telling you, this whole hope thing has me really baffled. I've done Bible Studies that talked in depth about it and I have many verses memorized that mention it, but I am having a hard time with how it practically plays out in situations like the one I'm in now. Is it just the hope of Jesus the Bible says we are to hang on to? Or could it be something as gritty as the hope for healing? As I've said here before....I have very few answers anymore. Mostly just questions.
But I know that when my friend quoted that verse today I thought--I probably need to look it up and see if the Holy Spirit does any talking. It seems more than a coincidence that THAT would be the verse she wanted to share with me. So, all this entry is going to be is verses I find in my concordance, and I pray God will use them to speak to me.

Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..."

Psalm 147:11 "The Lord delights in those who fear Him, in those who put their hope in His unfailing love."

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Romans 5: 3-5 "...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance, perserverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer..."

I Cor 13:13 "Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love"

I Cor. 13:7 "Love always hopes, always perserveres..."

Heb 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see."

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Hope is such a frail thing for me these days. I'm to the point where I don't even understand what it means, really. I know if I lose hope I'm going to go to a really bad place, and I don't want that, but to be honest I'm finding it's easlier not to hope at all. It hurts too bad when the hope gets crushed. As it has for me over and over and over this past year and a half.

I'll give you an small example of what I mean. This is just one of so many others. But it just happened and I literally have tears in my eyes as I write this. Here's some backstory:
My little girl's 2nd birthday party's this Saturday. I've been looking forward to it so much, but I truly don't know how I'm going to do it without way over extending myself. At this point, I am almost SIX MONTHS out from surgery and am still not able to get out of my house much longer than a half hour. Just driving in the car can set my nerves and the pain into a tailspin. I have to lie in bed MOST of the day and the only other chair I can sit in for any length of time is a special one designed for bad backs.
Here's where the disappointment comes in:
I saw that the same store that designed my special chair has a portable version. Not as sophisticated or expensive, but I immediately got so excited about the possibities this portable chair may offer me. I envisioned myself finally having some relief when I am out of the house. A place I could go sit and not deal with pain or worry what trying to get out might do to me later. And I especially pictured myself having a respite place to sit during SaraRose's party (which is outside this year).
My sweet husband went out to buy it for me today as soon as I mentioned it. I've been so excited all day! As soon as Andew brought it home, I felt relieved and so happy that this may be an answer to help me get out, socialize, be ME for just a few hours. I sat down in it and right away I knew it was not as comfortable as my other chair. But I thought maybe it was just because it didn't have lots of lumbar support. So Andrew went back out to buy me some lumbar pillows (two different kinds for me to try). And I try them both. And the chair is just as uncomfortable to me as sitting in any other chair is. This was an all day affair of back and forth, trial and error, and I'm so disappointed I could scream!
And it brings me back to this question I've dealt with so many times now thru this ordeal. Why hope at all? Because hoping only leads to greater disappointment.