Saturday, October 3, 2009


Hope is such a frail thing for me these days. I'm to the point where I don't even understand what it means, really. I know if I lose hope I'm going to go to a really bad place, and I don't want that, but to be honest I'm finding it's easlier not to hope at all. It hurts too bad when the hope gets crushed. As it has for me over and over and over this past year and a half.

I'll give you an small example of what I mean. This is just one of so many others. But it just happened and I literally have tears in my eyes as I write this. Here's some backstory:
My little girl's 2nd birthday party's this Saturday. I've been looking forward to it so much, but I truly don't know how I'm going to do it without way over extending myself. At this point, I am almost SIX MONTHS out from surgery and am still not able to get out of my house much longer than a half hour. Just driving in the car can set my nerves and the pain into a tailspin. I have to lie in bed MOST of the day and the only other chair I can sit in for any length of time is a special one designed for bad backs.
Here's where the disappointment comes in:
I saw that the same store that designed my special chair has a portable version. Not as sophisticated or expensive, but I immediately got so excited about the possibities this portable chair may offer me. I envisioned myself finally having some relief when I am out of the house. A place I could go sit and not deal with pain or worry what trying to get out might do to me later. And I especially pictured myself having a respite place to sit during SaraRose's party (which is outside this year).
My sweet husband went out to buy it for me today as soon as I mentioned it. I've been so excited all day! As soon as Andew brought it home, I felt relieved and so happy that this may be an answer to help me get out, socialize, be ME for just a few hours. I sat down in it and right away I knew it was not as comfortable as my other chair. But I thought maybe it was just because it didn't have lots of lumbar support. So Andrew went back out to buy me some lumbar pillows (two different kinds for me to try). And I try them both. And the chair is just as uncomfortable to me as sitting in any other chair is. This was an all day affair of back and forth, trial and error, and I'm so disappointed I could scream!
And it brings me back to this question I've dealt with so many times now thru this ordeal. Why hope at all? Because hoping only leads to greater disappointment.

1 comment:

  1. Just wait my dear friend. All of this hardship will be your anchor. He is building your hope. It may not be complete yet, but he will prove it to you. Just as he did to me. Hold on. And He won't give up, even when you do.. just hold on.