Friday, January 21, 2011

Yucking it up in an unlikely place

My husband and I have a little get-away every couple months or so. We go to this quiet place where we're all alone and have time to hold hands, regroup, and talk. We swap stories and have those heart-to-heart chats that make you remember why you love each other.
It's all very lovely and romantic.
except that it takes place in the doctor's office.
Here's the deal.
About three years ago I had my first full-blown, I-think-I'm-gonna-die panic attack.
And the awful doctors appointments were the worst part. I mean, sitting for hours just to hear super scary stuff? Seriously. Panic attack waiting to happen.

During those early visits I told Andrew that reading worn out waiting room magazines just wasn't cuttin' it for me. I needed to keep my mind occupied.....and just talk or something.
So that's what we decided to do.
We would talk about anything and everything just to fill the space and keep time rolling quickly. The only stipulation was that conversation must be kept on the up and up. Only the happy, funny or interesting allowed. And absolutely nothing about my back.
At first, I took the reigns and told him every hilarious story I hoped maybe I hadn't told him before. ;) When I ran out of those, I filled him in on the plot line of my latest book (poor guy's pretty much read Twilight himself thanks to my waiting room narrative).
And very quickly he caught on and started chiming in with childhood stories and funny workplace anecdotes.
And it totally worked, ya'll.
Appointment after appointment, chatting it up til the doctor came in kept me completely...un-panicked. ;)
Over the years this has become our waiting room norm. From the moment the nurse closes the door behind us, we start talking. I fill him in on this and that and he'll tell me what he's studying or about some other quirky life situation. We actually have some fantastic talks. I'm sure every now and then the office staff wonders what in the world we're yuckin it up about in there.

It's far better than fighting worry by flipping thru a 2005 ReaderDigest, let me tell ya. And since we are the busy parents of a toddler, one-on-one talk time doesn't happen a ton these days. So it works out on several levels.
Now, I still hate sitting in crappy waiting rooms. But I do enjoy fascinating chats with my bestie.
there's been an absence of panic attacks for a very long time. So, I'll take it.

Here we are. Not in a doctor's office. And just for the record, I am officially 3.5 pounds lighter than when this picture was taken. Thank you Weight Watchers.

Friday, January 14, 2011

That is the question

I'm having a hard time knowing what to say.
I start writing but end up flipping closed the laptop and flipping open People magazine instead.
There are just so many things swirling around my head and I wish I had that *gift* of putting it perfectly into written word.
But I guess I'll just forget that and start by telling you the question most gnawing at my head these days:
"What in the world....?"
I'm not asking "why" so much anymore.
Just "what in the world now?"
I've fought a long, hard battle....and in many ways, I've lost.
In spite of all the doctors, all the surgeries, all the terrible everything--the pain remains.
And no one is quite sure why.
And nothing is like I planned it to be.
Here is what I planned it to be:
*Me, pregnant with our second baby. Budding with the expectation each little
kick brings with it. Running here and there busy with the things stay-at-home-mom's get to do.
Reaching out to friends. Meeting new ones. Coming into my own as a woman. Exercising. Playing. Traveling. Cooking. Decorating. Helping. Volunteering. Acting. Church. Busy busy busy.*
But the new plan is very, very different from that. So different and so hard sometimes in fact, that just this morning I was tempted to doubt everything I believe.
But I am not going to do that. I've been there before and it's much too heavy a burden and much too deep a valley. Doubting is for the birds. With God there is much hope. With God I'm assured that even though it appears like I've lost....I really haven't. With God the plan is going exactly as it should be. With God everything's under control. The new plan was the plan all along and He knows it's a really, really good one.

And I believe this, I do. But I think I'm still grieving all I've lost...especially having another child. And I think that's normal. I think God understands. He knows His ways are perfect, but He also knows the sacrifice required is super painful sometimes. He knows it leaves us completely undone and asking "what in the world now?"

And that's it. We're back to the question. I'm not sure how to answer it. The only thing I know is to
keep seeking,
keep trusting,
keep obeying.

And that's all I got for tonight, folks.
Lots of deep thoughts and "a cosmic question thrown out into the void" (to borrow a phrase from Kathleen Kelly ;)