Friday, January 14, 2011

That is the question

I'm having a hard time knowing what to say.
I start writing but end up flipping closed the laptop and flipping open People magazine instead.
There are just so many things swirling around my head and I wish I had that *gift* of putting it perfectly into written word.
But I guess I'll just forget that and start by telling you the question most gnawing at my head these days:
"What in the world....?"
I'm not asking "why" so much anymore.
Just "what in the world now?"
I've fought a long, hard battle....and in many ways, I've lost.
In spite of all the doctors, all the surgeries, all the terrible everything--the pain remains.
And no one is quite sure why.
And nothing is like I planned it to be.
Here is what I planned it to be:
*Me, pregnant with our second baby. Budding with the expectation each little
kick brings with it. Running here and there busy with the things stay-at-home-mom's get to do.
Reaching out to friends. Meeting new ones. Coming into my own as a woman. Exercising. Playing. Traveling. Cooking. Decorating. Helping. Volunteering. Acting. Church. Busy busy busy.*
But the new plan is very, very different from that. So different and so hard sometimes in fact, that just this morning I was tempted to doubt everything I believe.
But I am not going to do that. I've been there before and it's much too heavy a burden and much too deep a valley. Doubting is for the birds. With God there is much hope. With God I'm assured that even though it appears like I've lost....I really haven't. With God the plan is going exactly as it should be. With God everything's under control. The new plan was the plan all along and He knows it's a really, really good one.

And I believe this, I do. But I think I'm still grieving all I've lost...especially having another child. And I think that's normal. I think God understands. He knows His ways are perfect, but He also knows the sacrifice required is super painful sometimes. He knows it leaves us completely undone and asking "what in the world now?"

And that's it. We're back to the question. I'm not sure how to answer it. The only thing I know is to
keep seeking,
keep trusting,
keep obeying.

And that's all I got for tonight, folks.
Lots of deep thoughts and "a cosmic question thrown out into the void" (to borrow a phrase from Kathleen Kelly ;)


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