Friday, July 30, 2010

There is just so much pain.
Sorry to talk about it ad nauseum, but any given day it consumes about 70% of my energies and thoughts. So it's hard to ignore. Not that I don't try my darndest. I do try to live, breathe, talk, laugh in spite of it all, because life is just better that way. But it still clouds my mind. Sears thru my hip and down the front of my legs. Burns the tops of my calves. Unbearable at times. It makes it impossible to sit, stand or walk without constantly thinking of when I'll next be able to lie down. And there has been no relief for years now.

It's probably exhausting just reading that! And sorry....I'm not quite done yet either (bear with me here.... ;)
When my body, my mind hurts, and when my mind hurts, my heart hurts. And perhaps the heart hurt is the worst of all. The word weary best describes the way all it makes me feel. So, so weary. Like 70 years old.
Ok, you got the picture. Overwhleming. Unbearable. It stinks.
So yesterday I made a phone call. The one I've been dreading but also looking forward to with hope. What an aweful juxtaposition.
Another surgery scheduled. There are no words.

And yet there is peace. There is hurt and deep sadness but wildly, there is also peace. I'm moving forward with a decision I HOPE is the right one, I THINK is the right one, but I'm just having to TRUST THIS PEACE that it really is the right one. Don't you hate decisions like that??! Especially one this life-altering. I've layed it all out there before the Lord. And I've heard no answer except a kind of rest in taking this path. So I'm falling back on that and trusting God will move as only He can thru it all. Thru the body hurt and the heart hurt. And somehow make it better.

1 comment:

  1. I don't even know what to say. But, know I am proud of you and realize how big this was. Yet, I also realize how good that peace is in all this!!!! You're right, it is a juxtaposition. It is the "peace that passes all understanding." And you don't have to explain your decision to anyone to try to make them understand. You don't even fully understand. But, you do trust Him, and THAT is worth sharing! I love you!