I'm going to be really honest here, folks.
I'm having a hard time reading the Bible. For about 3 months or so I can hardly even pick it up. It's on my nightstand, but I just can't lift it. It's like the heavy cares of life have made my Bible heavier to pick up. Instead of the life-giving encouragement I used to find in its pages, the chapters ring empty. I have 30-40 index cards of verses the Lord's laid on my heart for this time, but even those I've read and reread with no response, no lifting of my burden. I told you I'm being really honest here. It would be one thing if I never really read the Scriptures to begin with, but I've had a "devotional life" since I was in 5th grade. Seriously, 12 years old. It's a long story how I started daily reading so early, but I mention that to say, that the Bible's walked with me thru more than half my life! It's met me at other dark hours at just the right time. Almost always there's a word in it's pages for my weary heart. But not now. Hollow. Empty. What in the world is going on? It's really upset me, and I haven't really known what to do about it.
But I heard something yesterday and I wonder if it isn't my answer. Rick Warren was on "Meet the Press" (he did a fantastic job, by the way; so proud to have him representing Christianity). But he mentioned the first sentence in "The Purpose Driven Life." Just four words, but they got me thinking.
"It's not about you."
Just four words, but what insight. What truth. And ya know what, it fits this issue perfectly. I think I've read the Bible most of the time for what it can do for me. For the Holy Spirit to have some slam-dunk Word of encouragement at just the perfect time. That the words would jump off the pages into my current situation. That the verses would be fresh and vibrant; the perfect insight for that moment. But ya know what, maybe it's not always about that. Sometimes it can be, but not always. It's not about me. It's about Him. It's maybe even a little selfish to think anything else. Now, I know He CAN speak thru the Scriptures like that (and a lot of the time does) but....if He doesn't, does that mean I stop reading? I've always believed that Bible reading is a discipline. In fact, I preached that over and over to a small group I lead once. So right now, that's what it's going to have to be to me. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's not going to be easy. But I'm not doing it for me. Because it's not about me. I'm doing it for Him. Because He told us to. I'm doing it to learn more about Him. Who He is and what He has done. Not for what I can get out of it.
Kristen, I know where you are. I have felt how you feel, and I have had the same thought processes, and come to the same conclusion. You are right. This is a time of transition for you spiritually. You are right in saying that it really is not about you. It isn't, just as it is not about me. I love your honesty and appreciate it. Thank you. God's grace is so amazing to speak to you in that way, even when you could not pick up his Word. He needs you to go to Him, so that he can teach you. And right now, maybe what he wants to teach is total humility and obedience. That is what you would be living out if you were to go to His word despite how you feel. "He must become greater, I must become less." As always, thank you so much for sharing. You are such a great friend, and I always, always appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteIn Him,
Katie