Monday, October 10, 2011

Tough Stuff

I've been having a rough time lately.  Like really rough.  It all started with that stupid doctors appointment.   I wasn't expecting to feel this way, but it's shaken me to the core.  Everything seems more final now.  And its brought back to the surface a ton of disappointments.  I'm trying (again) to work thru it all.  To figure out how God wants me to cope. How do I glorify Him in all of this?  How do I move forward when so many of my dreams aren't possible?
I'm battling thoughts that seem consumed by all I can't do.
Losing your health (especially at a young age) isn't for sissies.
I did a Bible Study recently and one of the questions asked was "what would the perfect day look like for you?" I quickly chimed in with an answer having something to do with shopping and shows in New York City (and everything to do with Andrew being with me :)....but later, on the drive home, I could hardly see thru my tears....because I knew really what the perfect day would look like for me. And it didn't have anything to do with NYC. It was simply waking up and doing anything, being anywhere, without pain.
And there is another massive loss that looms and hurts maybe even more than all that right now. It's difficult for me to even talk about.  But it's where I'm at so I may as well be honest. Because of several elements in my back situation, I can't have another child.  It's a profound loss, but I don't mention it for you to feel sorry for me.  It's just the truth; part of the tough stuff I'm trying to wrap my mind around.  I wrote a little bit about my feelings here. And that helped me process things.  But I know I'm still in mourning--I haven't reached the other side yet. Some days I wonder if I ever will.
I know all of this is huge, heavy stuff. So heavy, in fact, it has the ability to quickly undo all I long to be as a follower of Christ. I know I must tred very carefully as I make my way thru this world of questions, doubt...suffering.  Too often I've watched tough stuff change people. And not for the better, either. Just recently I talked with a friend I admire and love deeply.  Hard times she's facing have allowed some very ugly, cynical views to take root in her mind and heart. It made me so sad to hear her talking that way, believing those lies. Giving in to the hardship.  But it also fortified in me that I do not want to succumb to that kind of mindset. Ever. I don't want to let the pain win over that part of me too.
So I will keep fighting.  It's easy at this point to feel like I've lost.  I fought a long, hard battle for "healing" and it didn't happen. Much in me tells me that I've lost.  But I know that I didn't lose.  My Lord knows all about my circumstances. And my life isn't over yet. And even though these days have been hard, when I take the time to ask and listen, He quietly whispers promises to remind me "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" (Ps. 138:8) and that He "restores the years the locusts have eaten." (Joel 2:25 ) I read those verses within two days of each other....I know He's speaking them into my very tender heart.
So the real question then becomes, will I believe Him in the midst of all the tough stuff...even when I absolutely cannot see it? 

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