Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Doctor Visit I've Been Dreading

I went to my spine doctor today and now I am exhausted.  I'm pretty much always sick at my stomach the day before an appointment, and the whole week prior I am a complete grouch. Andrew just kinda stays out of my way.  Bless his heart. I really try to live one day at a time.  Constant pain+looking too far into the future=panic attack.  So the command from Jesus to "not worry about tomorrow" is a life-saver for me.  My greatest coping mechanism.  But when I know a doctor's appointment is coming, living one day at a time is hard.
Today was especially tough because I had to have the "there's not much more we can do" talk with  the surgeon.  I knew it was coming, but hearing it discussed with real, out-loud words hit me like a Mack Truck.  I got in the car and cried and cried. That is a pretty consistent happening after talking in depth about my back issues, but today it just felt extra sad.  I still have a headache.
Because basically, the pain I suffer with every day is probably stemming from nerve damage or scar tissue that has grown inside the nerve, and it is very hard to diagnose and treat.  There are things that can be done to help manage the pain, but not much that will completely cure it.  I've seen and spoken with a large variety of surgeons over these grueling past 3.5 years, so I've long known (after the last surgery didn't help) that this was probably what I'd be facing.  But still.  Hard to go there. Hard to talk about.  So final.  I'm hopeful that there will be strides made in the area of nerve damage/spine/pain issues in the future and there are even some tests I may try down the not too distant road. But for now, I just want some time of normalcy (my new normal, anyway).   Sept 1st was the anniversary of my third back operation in under three years (including one massive, brutal operation that opened me up from the front AND the back), so are you feelin me here? GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A BREAK.  So.  That is were we are.
The one good thing that came out of today's appointment is that I don't have to switch doctors.  I thought maybe at this point I might have to.  But I'm thankful to stay with him.  He's the one I've always felt the most comfortable with (after meeting an array thru the years). He's been with my story from the beginning (1st surgery was 1999), he's been available when I really needed it, and he definitely knows his spine stuff.  I like him.  So I am thankful that I don't have to start another doctor-find.  Those are daunting.  Some doctors are rude. And it's overwhelming to tell my story over and over. And to then hear the inevitable "Wow. How old are you? You're really young for all this." Yea, I know. Tell me about. 

Lately, I've prayed deeply for direction, so I feel even this little provision is an answer.  I am learning to give thanks for every gift, even if it seems small compared to the big bold answers I know God is capable of.  As I get to know and fall in love with Him more, I realize this is His way.  A still small voice. He asks me to just keep trusting with the big stuff.  So I will. 

I recall a quote I taped in my Bible about a decade ago while I worked at Disney World.  I was 21 and it spoke to me.  I'd would pray it to Him with all my heart many, many times while I went about my day working my dream job.  Little did I know He just might take me up on it. :)
"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to Yourself."
 -David Livingstone

I think He's asking me now if I really meant it.  And I did.  Just sustain me, ok, Lord?
I know He will.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Kristen, I'm so sorry to hear it has come to this point. But, I am encouraged at your faith, and your choice to choose Him and to ask for Him to sustain you. It is not easy. Stay strong in the Lord.