Saturday, February 12, 2011

Recently I've been thinking a lot about only children.
I've never given much thought to it before.
Because I knew if I ever had kids, I'd surely have several.
But we've reached a place with all my physical stuff
that our little one could be our only one.
So I'm thinking a lot about only children.

And I'll admit that I'm sad and a little scared at the prospect.
It's not what I wanted.
And I find myself wondering worrisome questions, like
are they spoiled rotten like my mom always said?
Are they lonely and missing out?
And how can I keep my own sweet girl from being or feeling that way?

And I fight sadness (have I said that already?)
Children grow so quickly. With one it slips that much faster.
No more three year old birthday parties. Each milestone is the last.
Our home will be quieter. Dinners smaller. Trips to visit the kids someday...shorter.

And what about SaraRose? Will she always wish for a brother or sister?
Will she be ok without a sibling to grow old with?
So many questions.
And more than a few tears.
It's hard not having control.

But I've lived long enough to know that things don't always turn out like we plan.
Like the mother who always wanted a daughter and has four boys.
Or the guy who always dreamed he'd have a family and finds himself divorced.
Life isn't perfect.

I will mourn the loss of not having another baby.
Of course I will.
But eventually...I will move on.
Because having an only child is not the end of the world.
Of course it's not.

It is a blessing. She is a blessing.
She is a spunky little pixie that twirls in the living room and makes me laugh.
I'm so happy to be her mom.

And I don't want to miss out on all I have by worrying about what I don't.
And just because it's not what I always thought,
that doesn't mean it won't still be great.
In fact, I know it will be.

Because God promises--
If she is our only one, it's His best for her.
If she is our only one, it's His best for me.
If she is our only one, it's His best for our family.

And His best is always the best.
I've lived long enough to know that too.

It is good for me to remember these things.
For there will be sadness and questions.
And the portrait may not look exactly like I imagined.
But it's comforting to know that in the end
it will look exactly how it should.

Finely perfected. Filled with love and beauty.
The grand story of a wonderful family.
Regardless of the number of people in it.

                                                             The Three Maddux Musketeers


  1. What a hard thing to process, Kristen. I love and appreciate your transparency. And sounds like SarahRose has enough spunk to fill a whole house. :)

  2. Thanks so much for stopping to comment, friends! Writing helps me so much. To process. To come to conclusions about my unknowns. And it's so helpful knowing you are there to read some of it, and encourage.
    Love you!

  3. Just stumbled upon your blog and had to say that, as an only child, I don't see your inner torments as the big deal you do. It's been a blessing for me not having brothers and I woulnd't have it any other way. I am not spoiled, I never felt alone and I'm very socially active.

  4. Thanks for commenting on this, anonymous. I hope and pray my little one says the exact same thing some day! I think I'm a little scarred from the labels put on "selfish only children" growing up (it was said A-LOT). I hope SaraRose never senses a lacking and is well-rounded, kind and giving--even if she doesn't have siblings she to practice sharing with, etc.
    I need to hear being an only child is no biggie from as many adult only children as possible!
    I really appreciate you taking time to do so.

  5. Good call on the Anne comment- I think of Anne whenever I have to do something nice or say something nice to someone that I DO NOT want to be nice to, especially if they don't deserve it.

    I'm currently reading Laura Bush's biography, and she talks about the pain of loss women feel for children they never had (or will have). That the english language has words for loss or grieving, but no appropriate words to describe greiving for the loss of an "idea"- like greiving for children that never were, feeling their absence. Your post reminded me of that right away.


  6. Kristen, I was just looking over this again. I forgot it was here and am so glad to read it again. I LOVE your transparency and I love that you come around to what really matters. If this is what God has for me, THIS is what is best... for us all. There have been so many times in my life that I have had to embrace the unknown and let go of the picture perfect ideal I had for my life. Some times it has been easy, and sometimes terribly difficult. As you process this day to day, I pray God fills you with His Spirit and reveals His goodness and GREATNESS to you in the life He has chosen for you. And that he will give you Abundant Joy in your daily life. Kristen Joy, SaraRose Joy.... Sometimes names are prophetic...;)