Tuesday, July 19, 2011

4 Thoughts That Kept Me From Another Unpublished Post

I looked thru some old drafts a few days ago. You know, the posts you write just to get stuff off your chest, then decide there's no way you're going to put that kind of hot mess out into the world wide web?! Ha! Well, that's what this little poem was. I wrote it back in January, and it had obviously been a bad few weeks.
If I'm sure about anything,
It's that my life is unsure.
I had lots of plans this week.
I've been feeling stable,
And stable is as good as it gets.
So I made plans--
To meet up with some new faces,
Have a play date,
Celebrate a birthday,
Shop for curtains,
Be with SaraRose.
But it all came to screeching halt.
Because I went for a walk on Friday
Yes, something as simple as that...
And I've been in bed ever since.
I'm tired of being the variable,
The one everyone has to work around.
The one stuck at home,
Not being able to give all I want others.
I'm tired of catering to the pain.
Cause I don't want it to win
But it so does some days.
Most of all I'm just tired.
So so tired.
I want an end.
I need a reprieve
God help me.
I can't imagine why I did publish that! Yea. It's probably a good rule of thumb to not post anything ending with the phrase "God help me." :)
But oddly enough, when I reread it a day ago or so, it was comforting to me. Because I was struggling with those exact same thoughts again.
Only this time, it was not being able to keep up with my family's vacation pace that had me feeling overwhelmed. My older sister and her 4 kids (whom I haven't seen in 3 years) were in town, and my back problems seemed glaring because there were tons of fun things planned and people to spend time with....and I simply couldn't keep up. It always makes me so sad. It makes me feel like I'm 80 years old.  This go around tho, even tho there was some crying and some major moments of frustration, I worked hard to not sink into the bleakness of said poem above.
Instead, I fought to look at things like this:
1. I still have the best part--Though I may not be as physically fun as I'd like to be, I'm still able to bring the most important stuff to any event I'm a part of. I can bring my energy, my personality, my enthusiasm, joy and love with me. I may not be the one running, jumping and swimming anymore but I can still laugh, talk and connect. I can still help people have a good time when they're with me.
2. Memories can be streamlined: I wasn't able to host my 9 year old niece sleeping over at my condo every night like she wanted, but I made the most of the one sleepover we did have--we stayed up late, watched movies, did beauty shop and played Clue.  I may not have been able to swim when we went to the beach or to the pool, but I organized and judged a splash contest and helped my nephew improve his underwater hand-stand skillz. If I had a moment--even if it was short--I tried to make it the best I could.
3. Choosing one thing over another: UGH. It speaks for itself and it's my least favorite. I'm naturally a I-want-to-do-it-all kind of girl. But here's one example (from several this week) of something I chose over another to help keep my pain down and my chin up: my dad baptized my niece and nephew on Sunday night and I didn't want to miss a sweet moment like that! So, I chose not to go to the party celebrating it after church. But I got to be there for the event and to hug and congratulate them both, as well as sit next to their drying little wet heads thruout the church service. To me, that was more important than the party.
4. It is worth the effort: I pushed myself to be an active part of everything I could, even if I wasn't feeling very well, because it's always worth the effort. And you know what's funny? Later, when I think back or look at pictures...I rarely remember how badly my back hurt or how frustrated I was about what I couldn't do. I just remember how much fun we had, who played what joke on whom, and how blessed I am to be part of such a wonderful family.

1 comment:

  1. Kristen,

    Wow. You may not like getting those types of poems out on the www, but there is something inside me that loved it. I am so often at my edge and can only write poems like that, so thanks for sharing it. Though I am not in your circumstances, I can relate to it.

    Those family pictures are beautiful, as are you. I bet it felt good to get those pros out after the cons. Isn't that life? Trying to find the good in everything? And you know what, I think we will always find it if we look hard enough:)

    Love you,