Thursday, June 23, 2011

There is a monster in my room

Make that a green-eyed monster. He's been hovering around here all morning while I deal with some pretty strong jealousy issues.
I never before much thought of myself as a jealous person. I've shared before that fear is usually my biggest vice. But especially since my health problems started and I got major limitations put on my dreams, I feel jealousy slip in more and more. Always robbing my joy and leaving me angry...many times at people I love.

Why is it sometimes so much easier to weep with those who weep, than to rejoice with those who rejoice?

I have wonderful gifts in my life. I know this.
No one's life is perfect, even if it looks it. I know all of this and more.
I could preach a sermon on it.
It just isn't easy to live out.
Especially because for me there is almost always a real, worthy loss mingled in with my covetous feelings. Things that really matter and that are truly sad and that deserve to be mourned and validated.
But it's a sticky slope. Because my feelings of sadness easily become hostility towards someone else's happiness,
and that is more than just grief...that is sin.
I suppose this is just one more way Christ's strength will have to be perfect in my weakness, because I definitely don't have what it takes to fight it on my own.
I've given in to pity over and over.
But I don't want to stay that way.
I want to fight this and be free.
Free to love others. To desire the very best for their lives.
(you know that whole pesky "love does not envy" thing? Yeah.)
I want to live in confidence that I am blessed beyond belief.
Resting in the happiness that God knows all about my hopes and dreams.
And that He will honor them in His time. And in a way that is best for me.

This is some big time spiritual warfare stuff, people.

So I will fight the green-eyed monster today with my shield of faith, breastplate of righteousness, and sword of the Spirit.
That's all I know to do at this point.
Because my feelings are fickle, yet strong. So strong. Strong enough to ruin an entire lifetime if I let it.
But I don't want to let it.
And in God's strength, I won't.

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