Thursday, June 24, 2010

Between you, me and the blog...

I admit things on here that I don't talk about too much in real life. There aren't many people that are "in on" the fact that I blog, so it's a nice buffer between my emotions and the real world.
But I'm also the kind of person who just has to get stuff out, and then I feel better. So the blog's been a terrific place to put my rants, raves and private thoughts.
So since you're here, lean in closer....I'm going to tell you a little secret.

*I joined Weight Watchers yesterday.*

OK.....go ahead and giggle!
or scrunch your face and say "huh?"
I know the name conjures up images of the old ladies at Curves discussing their POINTS, and no--I don't have an eating disorder where I think I'm heavier than I actually am.
Here's the deal--
Over the past two years, I've gained 20 pounds.
Two failed surgeries, the subsequent recoveries, bouts of despair, loads of meds, and living in pain will do that to you.
I've been able to lose 7 lbs. of it since last October by just starting to watch what I eat and weighing myself. But I've been at a stand still now for about 5 months. The same number keeps showing up on the scale over and over again (and lets just say it's higher than I'd like). I'll lose some of it and then, family'll come into town, or we go on vacation......
and there's that number again.
My great nemesis in this process is not being able to work out.
And I'm used to being active. I've always had a gym membership and was faithful for years at doing core PT exercises. Not to mention the sense of freedom and purpose exercising gave me. I actually enjoyed it (most of the time!)
But since this last surgery I can barely walk thru the mall, let alone on a treadmill.
So I've started feeling sorry for myself.
About the fact that I don't have control over anything anymore. I've indulged in self pity that other people don't know how easy they have it. Or bemoaned the fact that I can't even burn the calories it takes a normal person to unload the dishwasher or do the laundry. Thinking, oh if I could just work-out.....and knowing I can't. Crying that everything in my future is up in the air, and feeling like the fact that my clothes don't fit any more is just physical evidence that my back problems really are stealing away important parts of what makes me me. Feeling that all the pain is indeed winning.
I've been praying about it.
And I've just gotten more frustrated.
I didn't know what to do--so I'd just have another piece of pizza (Greeeeat...)
Then something brought to mind the big double W.
And ya know what?
When I walked thru those doors yesterday, I finally felt a little bit of Spirit-breathed control. Like for once I was the one holding the cards my back problems have dealt me, not the other way around. God had provided a tool to help me, even though it wasn't the perfect "able to work out tool" I had desired.
So I'm thankful.
I know it won't be easy. I am aware that just going to my first meeting (so weird I'm talking about Weight Watcher "meetings," isn't that something just Mom's do?) didn't make 5 pounds drop off. But the accountability and focus is going to be good. It actually felt a little like it used to feel when I walked into the gym. A sense of purpose, healthy goals, and the tools to get the job done.
We'll see how it goes! I'm sure I'll keep you posted.
Talk to me in a month when I'm dying for an Outback Steak and a bloomin' onion!


  1. Aint no shame in doing WW! I know of SO many women that have dropped a ton of weight on it. It is the first thing I plan on doing as soon as I get the green flag after this baby is born! Good luck to you, Kristen!

  2. Who can imagine the things the Lord has planned for us? I can't! But it is great when He sneaks something like this in from behind and we are like, "really?" Yep! And it actually feels good! So, I think this is just a big step toward growing up- ya know, doing things that would make us cringe as teenagers. But, nope, not now. Sometimes humble pie is actually yummy- oops I mean enjoyable. Go gettem!!! I am proud of you Kristen. Praise God for his gifts to us.:)