Thursday, September 10, 2009

Faith and Family

Perhaps the hardest thing for me about dealing with pain is how much it affects my family. They are walking this road with me (something none of us chose) and everything is topsy-turvy for them too.

I have a husband who thru this ordeal has proven to be a greater man than I even thought he was (and I thought he was pretty amazing to begin with). He's been carrying the load of two for over a year now, and never once have I heard him complain. In fact, he goes the extra mile. Since the day we got married I've kidded him that somehow (like having my own personal superhero) he aniticipates my needs and wants. I'm amazed time and again how he's always somehow one step ahead of me! And that goes double since I've been sick. He truly is a lifeline. But it is hard to be with such a wonderful person and to not be the carefree helpmate, friend, encourager, lover, entertainer (love to make that boy laugh!), playmate, and confidante that I long to be for him again.

But as hard as that is, being a mom just might be the most difficult of it all. My darling SaraRose Joy has stolen my heart, and is growing so fast. It amazes me the little person she is becoming, so sweet and spunky, so full of life. Thruout this long process of surgeries and pain, I have had to give so much of my time with her away to others, and that is hard. I know I'm missing much of what could be the most fulfilling and wonderful times in life. I ache to scoop her up and hold her, go visit Daddy at work, rock and sing to her for hours, go driving and shopping, make new friends, play make-believe and Princess with clothes in her closet. The list could go on and on, but I have a lump in throat so I will stop.

Here's the deal. For some reason, this is my season of wondering, desperation, questions, and giving up what I most want for myself. I don't know why. But I do know I'm doing the best I can with where I'm at.

But all of this has been hard on my faith. The constant not knowing and giving up so much has caused me to face questions. I do not wonder about the major things I believe. Always, always when I'm tempted to doubt the story of the Bible, that doubt doesn't linger long. I absolutley know that it is true. The story of Jesus and redemption resonates too much truth in my heart. God has sent too many answers to prayers (over the course of my LIFE) that could never be just coincidence. I know personally that living by His principles really does lead to the best life. And I have felt and witnessed the Holy Spirit work. No, I don't question the big stuff. It's the "littler" stuff I have a hard time with, like: Does God REALLY care about me? Is He REALLY "good, kind, loving, compassionate, gracious, merciful?" Does He listen to my prayers? Does He love really love me?"

It's these questions that baffle and to be honest, shake me at bit.

When I question, I remember a profound statement in a book I read years ago (God seems to do that alot...things that resonated with me long ago, come to mind now and encourage me when I need it.) It's from a book by Gracia Burnham, a missionary taken captive by an Al Queida sect for over a year. Despite everything she endured, the hardest part for her too was being away from her children. Feeling like her kids lives were passing by as she and her husband sat in captivity. It took a toll on her faith. She decided she didn't believe that God could be a good God and do this. She and her husband, Martin, whose faith was not shaken thru the process, discussed it one night and it is his response to her that I remember:

"...Sometimes Martin would come and sit with me by the river. He'd say 'I just hate to see you giving up on your faith like this.'

'Oh, I'm not giving up on my faith,' I'd tell him, 'I still believe that God made the world, He sent His Son, Jesus, and that Jesus died for me...I'm just choosing not to believe the part about God loving me, because God is not coming thru.'

" Martin's gentle reply was this, "It seems to me either you believe it all, or you don't believe at all.'"

His answer hits me right where I am at. I can't believe just part of it. That doesn't make sense. So I will have to choose to trust that the all of the promises in the Bible are true, regardless of my feelings and circumstances. And that when God says "Lean not on your own understanding" Prov 3:5, He means it!


  1. keep writing, i'm soo reading you, every. stinking. word!

  2. The scripture that comes to my mind is, "Jesus I believe. Help my unbelief." He can and will. He'll meet us there, even in our unbelief.