My Baby's 1st Day of School (Or, Mommy's Neutrotic)

Today was a big day for me.  Huge, actually.  I never thought I'd be one of those moms all upset over dropping their child off for the first day of Kindergarten, but there I lay in bed this morning with tears running down my cheeks and feeling a pit in my stomach.

It's a funny thing, parenting.  It's quite taken me off guard. I don't think I'll ever be one of those parents whose lives' are consumed by their children and it's all. they. can. talk. about. But yet...raising my little girl has definitely shifted something deep in my heart and being her mom makes me more happy than I ever dreamed I could be.  It's given me a special, wondrous kind of fulfillment.  All the clichés about parenting are true, people.  It's a glorious gift.

Even though SaraRose was in Preschool a last year, there was something different about her starting Kindergarten today. It's a milestone. It signifies a growth happening in her, an independence of spirit that I know will only keep her moving forward...and farther away from me.  And that makes this mama's heart really sad.  Like every other mother in the history of mothers, I don't want my baby to grow up.  I want her to always need me, because--let's face it--I like being needed.  Many times as a parent, the level that your kids need you is exhausting.  And for me, with my back pain, it was almost crippling sometimes; I couldn't always meet the demands.  But yet, I didn't realize how much being crazy vital like that in a sweet little person's life is actually hugely fulfilling as well.  And I just don't want to let go of it; I want to continue being a stay-at-home-mom. I don't want to think about doing "real world" work anymore. I just want to be home and with my kid and have her asking me for a snack and if I'll play with her and if I can help her get her shoes on.  It's a comfortable, sweet, fulfilling (if at times tiring!) role and I just might hang onto it forever if I could.

It is also in times like these that my struggles with having an only child rear their ugly head.  I sit around marinating in the lie that if I just had another child to care for, I'd be fine right now.  I wouldn't be hurting, I wouldn't be so sad.  I start telling myself that God's being unfair.  That He has asked too much of me in recent years, and that taking away my ability to have another child is just plain mean and hateful. How can I trust Someone like that? It's all His fault I'm sad right now! (As you can see, my mind [and who are we kidding, probably Satan] really milks this thing.)

I said to my husband this weekend that if someone set the perfect Home School curriculum in my lap I would 100 percent do that instead.  But I know that decision would have had little to do with actual Home Schooling and everything to do with me just trying to stop time, me trying hold onto SaraRose, me hoping to keep my eye on her every move and her every choice and every person she encounters.  It'd be about ME, essentially. And control. And call me crazy, but I'm not sure those the healthiest reasons Home School. Shoot.

Here's the other interesting part of this story: it's very clear that God has led us to put SaraRose at Keswick.  It's a special place-- cozy and sweet, and is the school from which I graduated.  It was special then too; I know first-hand the benefits of attending there--I was more than prepared for college academically and it played a pivotal role in my walk with the Lord. It gave me precious mentors and amazing friends that I still have to this day. In fact, God even went to some pretty drastic measures when I was in high school (I studied at another place for several years only to quickly realize that not all Christians schools are created like Keswick, and LONGED to go back) to prove to me how set apart KCS really is.
I always wanted my children to be able to attend there someday, but alas, when time drew closer, we didn't have the money.  But last year, in an surprising act of God--that can only be described as the single most significant miracle I've ever seen with my eyes--He provided Andrew a job to work there (which included free tuition).  It's a job he loves and thrives in and it delivered him from a job he didn't enjoy. Not to mention that his office is literally steps away from SaraRose's classroom door--AND, the very room she's in this year is the same classroom I had as a 5 year old Kindergartener (I mean, really.). And it's a just a fact (a fact I don't love, but still a fact) that having her in school all day really helps with my pain levels. I can rest and be way more refreshed and ready to go when she comes home.  I could keep going on with this stuff but you can see where I'm going here...This is one of the few times in my life that God has really gone out of His way to assure me that HE'S GOT THIS, HE LOVES ME, HE IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING and THIS IS WHERE WE SHOULD BE.

And yet, even with all of that, I still struggle.  I'm so sorry God has to deal with me and my unbelief sometimes. The Old Testament Israelites and I would get along really well. Much like their doubting and complaining, I could win an Olympic gold medal in worry and questioning whether God really knows what's best for me. Sigh.

I want to be able to trust. I want to be able to have faith. I want to be one of those good, strong parents who prayerfully, but appropriately start to open their hands and start to let go of their children as they get older, trusting God is there when they can't be. I want to walk that delicate, brave balance between sheltering SaraRose and equipping her to fly. 

I do not want to parent out of fear (like I feel I am right now); I want my daughter to see faith in me, even when the road ahead doesn't line up with my feelings. God's given me plenty of reasons to rest in this path, I just have to step into it believing. And if this is the perfect plan for SaraRose and for Andrew, then it is the perfect plan for me too.

In closing, I will add this visual aid to the aforementioned (HE LOVES ME and HE'S GOT THIS).  It's a little gift SaraRoses' teacher (who, once again, I know personally and is the prefect Kindergarten teacher for her) placed in my hand as I walked out the school door this morning. 

 (She gets me.)  

 

Help me, Lord.

Its Time: Moving the Faith Poster

Ya'll.  Can I get a hug right now?  I kinda need one because I just took big step this morning.  I took the Faith Poster down from the wall beside my bed.  And I cried.
I am actually crying now as I type this!
I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't think it'd hit me this hard. And I only moved it to the back of my door! Ha! Now I'm crying and laughing!
I guess the tears just prove how much this poster means to me.  For the longest time, it was the only thing shining life into the darkest, loneliest days of my life.  When I had nothing but tears, I'd roll over and see the sweet little clippings I'd pain-stakingly placed on there....and they reminded me to hope. When everything in my body told me life as I knew it was over, the poster hung firmly, whispering that even if my future looks different, there are still good things to come.   And at the risk of sounding dramatic, this little poster helped me visualize things to live for when I really, really needed it.
I've wondered for a while now about taking it down.  It's been up for four years (one clipping reads "A Brand New You in 2009!")  But, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I'd miss it too much.  And there's some really important stuff on there is still isn't answered. 
Thru the years I have prayed for all of it to come true.
And a lot of it has!
But a lot of it hasn't.
So how could I take it down?
Then, I read this.  Where Joni Earickson Tada talked about a drawing a friend did for her right after her accident.  The artist sketched Joni "putting the pieces of her life back together," and Joni explained that some of those pieces never fit back together perfectly. But that "there is great wisdom in trusting God for each piece that doesn't go back the way it was."
And that hit home. 
It was time. Time to trust that God sees and knows whether the poster is there to remind me or not.

My life may never look like the picture I hoped for when I pieced those pictures together.
But it doesn't have to.  In fact, there is greater faith in believing that.
I'm on the other side of so much. And my life is good.
Different? Yes.  Harder?  Undoubtedly.
But it is still good.  I am seeing God move in some awesome, wonderful ways for me.
Not to mention that my heart is for sure changed becuase of all I've been thru the last four years.  God has grown me, stretched me, refined me, and I will never be the same. "From Sorrow to Strength," if you will. "A Beautiful New Me."
And the inner change has always been more important to me than the physical stuff, the "Active Life!" represented in the poster.
So today I took it down.....at least it hasn't gone too far. :)
I am sad, but I am happy as well.
I appreciate you letting me memorialize it here.  I think I needed to talk it out.
And for the record, I still believe God can give everything on there and more, if He so chooses.  But His way is perfect.
The only problem I have now is that my bedroom wall looks a little bare.
Luckily, I have Pinterest to help with that. :) 

David is my Homeboy

My whole life, the Psalms have been the safe place I run when the world seems to overwhelm me. Being the sensitive, fearful child that I was it was only in reading the Psalms at night--my Bible tucked under my pillow--that I could fall asleep.  The words gave comfort while I slept and promises of strength to face another day at school. 
In sixth grade, I memorized my then favorite--Psalm 91--for a Speech Meet (and oh yea, sixth grade self! I won a 1st Place ribbon, the 1st time I ever received recognition for something performance related.)
Little did I know it then, but thru the even tougher years of growing up--more times than I can count--having those words tucked deep in my heart gave refuge to my confused, young adult soul.
It is still, hands-down, my favorite chapter in the whole Bible, very likely because it's been right there with me thru so much. 
Now in my early 30's I've faced many of my fears, but I still love a life that's more difficult than I imagined for myself. Thru this ordeal with my back pain, Psalm 139 has become a close second favorite chapter. The promises it holds are remarkably personal. It's given peace that God sees me, knows me, and thinks of me more than I can fathom.
I've wanted it memorized for a while.  But the actual memorizing without a class project or deadline or something?  I knew that probably wasn't going to happen. This girl needs accountability :) 
So I was excited when last January, Beth Moore announced on her blog that she provides a place for women to memorize throughout the year (logging in two verses every month, 24 for the full year).   I instantly knew this was my chance to get Psalm 139:1-18 hidden in my heart just as Psalm 91 has been all these years.
 *side note*--As an incentive to those who log in faithfully, Beth is throwing a celebration in Houston, January 2012. I am planning to go and asking for the money for the plane ticket for Christmas!
And I did it. Just a few weeks ago I logged in verse 18! It's been amazing how much slowly memorizing verse by verse has enriched my life.  So often, it's been just what I need at just the right moment. In fact, right before that awful last doctors appointment, I whispered the chapter to myself on the x-ray table.
Here's the proof that I actually do have it all memorized. I recorded this video a few weeks ago, so my hair isn't quite as long anymore.  It looks a little bit more like this now, actually.

But that's neither here nor there....back to the important, spiritual stuff :)

Tough Stuff

I've been having a rough time lately.  Like really rough.  It all started with that stupid doctors appointment.   I wasn't expecting to feel this way, but it's shaken me to the core.  Everything seems more final now.  And its brought back to the surface a ton of disappointments.  I'm trying (again) to work thru it all.  To figure out how God wants me to cope. How do I glorify Him in all of this?  How do I move forward when so many of my dreams aren't possible?
I'm battling thoughts that seem consumed by all I can't do.
Losing your health (especially at a young age) isn't for sissies.
I did a Bible Study recently and one of the questions asked was "what would the perfect day look like for you?" I quickly chimed in with an answer having something to do with shopping and shows in New York City (and everything to do with Andrew being with me :)....but later, on the drive home, I could hardly see thru my tears....because I knew really what the perfect day would look like for me. And it didn't have anything to do with NYC. It was simply waking up and doing anything, being anywhere, without pain.

And there is another massive loss that looms and hurts maybe even more than all that right now. It's difficult for me to even talk about.  But it's where I'm at so I may as well be honest. Because of several elements in my back situation, I can't have another child.  It's a profound loss, but I don't mention it for you to feel sorry for me.  It's just the truth; part of the tough stuff I'm trying to wrap my mind around.  I wrote a little bit about my feelings here. And that helped me process things.  But I know I'm still in mourning--I haven't reached the other side yet. Some days I wonder if I ever will.
I know all of this is huge, heavy stuff. So heavy, in fact, it has the ability to quickly undo all I long to be as a follower of Christ. I know I must tred very carefully as I make my way thru this world of questions, doubt...suffering.  Too often I've watched tough stuff change people. And not for the better, either. Just recently I talked with a friend I admire and love deeply.  Hard times she's facing have allowed some very ugly, cynical views to take root in her mind and heart. It made me so sad to hear her talking that way, believing those lies. Giving in to the hardship.  But it also fortified in me that I do not want to succumb to that kind of mindset. Ever. I don't want to let the pain win over that part of me too.
So I will keep fighting.  It's easy at this point to feel like I've lost.  I fought a long, hard battle for "healing" and it didn't happen. Much in me tells me that I've lost.  But I know that I didn't lose.  My Lord knows all about my circumstances. And my life isn't over yet. And even though these days have been hard, when I take the time to ask and listen, He quietly whispers promises to remind me "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" (Ps. 138:8) and that He "restores the years the locusts have eaten." (Joel 2:25 ) I read those verses within two days of each other....I know He's speaking them into my very tender heart.
So the real question then becomes, will I believe Him in the midst of all the tough stuff...even when I absolutely cannot see it? 

Recently I've been thinking a lot about only children.
I've never given much thought to it before.
Because I knew if I ever had kids, I'd surely have several.
But we've reached a place with all my physical stuff
that our little one could be our only one.
So I'm thinking a lot about only children.

And I'll admit that I'm sad and a little scared at the prospect.
It's not what I wanted.
And I find myself wondering worrisome questions, like
are they spoiled rotten like my mom always said?
Are they lonely and missing out?
And how can I keep my own sweet girl from being or feeling that way?

And I fight sadness (have I said that already?)
Children grow so quickly. With one it slips that much faster.
No more three year old birthday parties. Each milestone is the last.
Our home will be quieter. Dinners smaller. Trips to visit the kids someday...shorter.

And what about SaraRose? Will she always wish for a brother or sister?
Will she be ok without a sibling to grow old with?
So many questions.
And more than a few tears.
It's hard not having control.

But I've lived long enough to know that things don't always turn out like we plan.
Like the mother who always wanted a daughter and has four boys.
Or the guy who always dreamed he'd have a family and finds himself divorced.
Life isn't perfect.

I will mourn the loss of not having another baby.
Of course I will.

But eventually...I will move on.

Because having an only child is not the end of the world.
Of course it's not.

It is a blessing. She is a blessing.
She is a spunky little pixie that twirls in the living room and makes me laugh.

I'm so happy to be her mom.

And I don't want to miss out on all I have by worrying about what I don't.
And just because it's not what I always thought,
that doesn't mean it won't still be great.
In fact, I know it will be.

Because God promises--

If she is our only one, it's His best for her.

If she is our only one, it's His best for me.
If she is our only one, it's His best for our family.

And His best is always the best.
I've lived long enough to know that too.

It is good for me to remember these things.
For there will be sadness and questions.
And the portrait may not look exactly like I imagined.
But it's comforting to know that in the end
it will look exactly how it should.

Finely perfected. Filled with love and beauty.
The grand story of a wonderful family.
Regardless of the number of people in it.


                                                             The Three Maddux Musketeers

For good

How many times have I been wowed by the life of Joseph? Only every time I read it. But today it seems extra vivid and close to home. His life is true integrity in adversity. Adversity that drags on and on and on. Adversity he did nothing to deserve. Adversity that just when he thought it might be all over.....NOPE, IT'S NOT.....and then he didn't know if it ever would be.

But the most amazing thing about his story is the end. Years and years later. After so many terrible unknowns, it was all working towards "proving him true" (Ps. 105:19). And for the greater blessing of Joseph, his family, and Egypt. I LOVE and cling to his response to his brothers: "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." (Gen. 50:20)

As Christians, we have the promise that every day we face has a purpose, that "EVERY thing is working together for our good."(Romans 8:28) Especially the hard times that throw us into a pit. Really, if we read the Bible properly, suffering, hurt, pain is all part the plan to see who we really are; to help make us better. That doesn't always make sense, but it is a fact that that's how God works. He "sits as a purifier and refiner of silver." (Mal. 3:3) He never tricks us, is never surprised by something the comes our way. The Bible promises"He knows the way I take, when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold." (Job 23:10) In fact, we are to "consider it all joy, because the testing of [our] faith develops perseverance. [And] perseverance must finish it's work so you can be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

I want to be mature and complete, not lacking anything! And I know for a fact that God has started a good work in me. And since He has, He "will be faithful to complete it." Like Joesph sold into slavery, and sitting in that horrifying prison for years on end, who in the world knows where all this pain is leading? But I hold on to the hope, that as long as I keep trusting, believing, and doing the very best I can to hold onto Him thru all of this, that some day, I will be able to say "See? He meant it for good. He meant it for good! Praise God! I couldn't see it at the time, but He meant it for good!"

Four Words

I'm going to be really honest here, folks.

I'm having a hard time reading the Bible. For about 3 months or so I can hardly even pick it up. It's on my nightstand, but I just can't lift it. It's like the heavy cares of life have made my Bible heavier to pick up. Instead of the life-giving encouragement I used to find in its pages, the chapters ring empty. I have 30-40 index cards of verses the Lord's laid on my heart for this time, but even those I've read and reread with no response, no lifting of my burden. I told you I'm being really honest here. It would be one thing if I never really read the Scriptures to begin with, but I've had a "devotional life" since I was in 5th grade. Seriously, 12 years old. It's a long story how I started daily reading so early, but I mention that to say, that the Bible's walked with me thru more than half my life! It's met me at other dark hours at just the right time. Almost always there's a word in it's pages for my weary heart. But not now. Hollow. Empty. What in the world is going on? It's really upset me, and I haven't really known what to do about it.

But I heard something yesterday and I wonder if it isn't my answer. Rick Warren was on "Meet the Press" (he did a fantastic job, by the way; so proud to have him representing Christianity). But he mentioned the first sentence in "The Purpose Driven Life." Just four words, but they got me thinking.

"It's not about you."

Just four words, but what insight. What truth. And ya know what, it fits this issue perfectly. I think I've read the Bible most of the time for what it can do for me. For the Holy Spirit to have some slam-dunk Word of encouragement at just the perfect time. That the words would jump off the pages into my current situation. That the verses would be fresh and vibrant; the perfect insight for that moment. But ya know what, maybe it's not always about that. Sometimes it can be, but not always. It's not about me. It's about Him. It's maybe even a little selfish to think anything else. Now, I know He CAN speak thru the Scriptures like that (and a lot of the time does) but....if He doesn't, does that mean I stop reading? I've always believed that Bible reading is a discipline. In fact, I preached that over and over to a small group I lead once. So right now, that's what it's going to have to be to me. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's not going to be easy. But I'm not doing it for me. Because it's not about me. I'm doing it for Him. Because He told us to. I'm doing it to learn more about Him. Who He is and what He has done. Not for what I can get out of it.

The Faith Poster

I thought I would quickly share my Faith Poster and tell a little bit about it.

After my first surgery in October of 2008 (the one that didn't work), I was hugely depressed and stuck in bed (I am still stuck in bed and it's now Sept 2009, but the depressed part is getting better, I think! But you never know from day to day....). I digress.

During this time, well intentioned friends brought me magazines to sift thru and hopefully lift my spirits. The silly magazines did the exact opposite! Are you kidding me? Seeing titles like "Creating A Happy Family Outing," "Get off the Couch and Blast Off That Belly Fat!" or worse yet, "Steam Up Your Sex Life!" all of which I was DYING to do, but physically couldn't drove me nuts! I'd huff and puff thru article after article, and end up I'd throwing the magazine to the floor with a vengence and start crying. SO......

I decided I needed something to positive to focus my mind. I decided to make a poster with pictures from these piles of magazines of all the things I was longing, hoping, praying for. And I did. It took me about 5 months to complete, because I was very specific about the pictures I chose. For most of what they represent, only I know the deeper meaning. If you want to know I'll be happy to tell you, just ask. I have the poster taped right by my bed and look at it all the time. It's now Sept of '09 and (wow, I just realized I've had that baby up for more than a year!) now it's just part of the decor! Seriously, visitors stop by and I don't even think to explain it anymore. Hmmmm, I wonder if they've been curious about it?! Surely they were and just didn't feel comfortable asking me to explain. Anyway,

Several times I have prayed about and for every single thing on there. The plan is to take it down when I am finally well and a lot of the pictures fulfilled. But as I've learned, my plans....well, I don't really make plans too much anymore. If it ever happens, it will be a bittersweet day. I'll have a song in my heart that my prayers have been answered but I'll be a little sad too. I've grown to love this little purple poster.

Taking me up on it

Are there moments in life that made your relationship with God what it is now? Here's what I think of in my own journey:

1. Summer camp in Jr. High--On a dark night by a roaring campfire my heart was stirred to rededicate my life to Christ. After being saved at 5, for the first time I knew I wanted to live as a real Christian, "110%" as the speaker enthused! --"Take me out of my comfort zone, Lord!," I prayed as I went forward, and thru my stick in the fire. And when I told Him that, I really meant it!

2. Working at Disney--I read thru "Experiencing God" while I worked at Disney and lived in crazy college dorm-like circumstances. It was a powerful combination, the truths in that devotional along with being surrounded by party-time, all the time. I loved it, what God showed me while I was there. As I read thru the study, I came across a phrase that stood out like it was written in bold: "Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to Yourself." That phrase became my prayer and I cried it I out to God many times. Even now when I read it I think. WOW! that's an intense thing to ask for. But no matter what I wanted that to be a reality in my life. And I really meant it!

3. The Acting Bug: Doing theater for a living was my passion for years and years, and after college, I had doors opening wide to pursue it. I had thought if God ever asked me to give up this desire it would be too hard. But the only way I can describe how He spoke to me over the course of a few weeks in 2001, is that He painted a portrait and thru it showed me what to do. I had a powerful, life-long desire. Then God changed things. He didn't take away my love for theater, but in a peaceful way that left nothing to question, I knew clearly what He was saying:
He had more for me than the pursuit of this. He wanted me to lay down my talents and drive and let Him rebuild the next phase of my life.
And remarkably, it wasn't hard. I don't know when I've been more sure of what to do, and been more at peace (even happy) to do it. So, before a big performance (where recruits from New York were there), I knelt down with a grateful heart, and lifted my hands in prayer. I told God I trusted Him, and I sacrificed one of the hugest parts of myself (at the time) to Him. I promised that I trusted His ways are higher than mine. I told Him that if this was part of the journey of making me into His image, I was all in, even if it meant the sacrifice of my greatest desire.

4. Living Beyond Yourself: After Andrew and I moved to Florida our life became very real. Meaning real hard! The lonliness of leaving behind a life we loved, and rebuilding in a world so unlike Lynchburg was overwhelming. I literally had only one friend down here in those early days and she thought doing the Beth Moore "Living Beyond Yourself" Bible Study would be good for me. Being very hesitant of the whole "Beth Moore" part of the equation, I reluctantly said yes. Before starting each days reading, she asked me to pray that the Lord would speak. And, boy, did He! I swear, from the time I opened the first page, to the final question on the last, God was there! Overwhelmingly present! I cried and prayed as God opened up my eyes to myself. I was about 27 at this point, and God had already done a lot of life "pruning." But thru this time a magnifying glass was held up to the inner selfishness, fear, immaturity, inflexibilty, control and so much more. I knew I couldn't be the wife, mother, friend, and strong woman I wanted to be with so much insecurity holding me down. So, I promised with renewed vigor that I wanted Him to do what it takes to break me and mold me into the person He had in mind when He created me. I wanted to be a confident, vibrant woman of God and I was willing to do what cross any waters it would take for me to get there.

I'm going somewhere with all this, I promise!

So......here I am now, 31 and trudging through some extremely difficult circumstances. And I have to wonder, is God answering those prayers now? I don't know. To be honest, I have way more questions than any thing else. But I do know that I am pushed to the brink. Is He taking me out of my comfort zone? FOR SURE. Is He laying a heavy burden on me, but sustaining me? YUP. Am I becoming me a more patient, mature woman with a story to tell? I think so. Now don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot more living to do and a ton more learning, and I have no idea when or if this pain is going to go away. But it provides hope to know that through hard times God changes us the most. And since I've promised Him over and over to do what it takes to make me like His Son, I wonder if now, more than ever....He taking me up on it.

Faith and Family

Perhaps the hardest thing for me about dealing with pain is how much it affects my family. They are walking this road with me (something none of us chose) and everything is topsy-turvy for them too.


I have a husband who thru this ordeal has proven to be a greater man than I even thought he was (and I thought he was pretty amazing to begin with). He's been carrying the load of two for over a year now, and never once have I heard him complain. In fact, he goes the extra mile. Since the day we got married I've kidded him that somehow (like having my own personal superhero) he aniticipates my needs and wants. I'm amazed time and again how he's always somehow one step ahead of me! And that goes double since I've been sick. He truly is a lifeline. But it is hard to be with such a wonderful person and to not be the carefree helpmate, friend, encourager, lover, entertainer (love to make that boy laugh!), playmate, and confidante that I long to be for him again.

But as hard as that is, being a mom just might be the most difficult of it all. My darling SaraRose Joy has stolen my heart, and is growing so fast. It amazes me the little person she is becoming, so sweet and spunky, so full of life. Thruout this long process of surgeries and pain, I have had to give so much of my time with her away to others, and that is hard. I know I'm missing much of what could be the most fulfilling and wonderful times in life. I ache to scoop her up and hold her, go visit Daddy at work, rock and sing to her for hours, go driving and shopping, make new friends, play make-believe and Princess with clothes in her closet. The list could go on and on, but I have a lump in throat so I will stop.

Here's the deal. For some reason, this is my season of wondering, desperation, questions, and giving up what I most want for myself. I don't know why. But I do know I'm doing the best I can with where I'm at.

But all of this has been hard on my faith. The constant not knowing and giving up so much has caused me to face questions. I do not wonder about the major things I believe. Always, always when I'm tempted to doubt the story of the Bible, that doubt doesn't linger long. I absolutley know that it is true. The story of Jesus and redemption resonates too much truth in my heart. God has sent too many answers to prayers (over the course of my LIFE) that could never be just coincidence. I know personally that living by His principles really does lead to the best life. And I have felt and witnessed the Holy Spirit work. No, I don't question the big stuff. It's the "littler" stuff I have a hard time with, like: Does God REALLY care about me? Is He REALLY "good, kind, loving, compassionate, gracious, merciful?" Does He listen to my prayers? Does He love me....like really love me?"

It's these questions that baffle and to be honest, shake me at bit.

When I question, I remember a profound statement in a book I read years ago (God seems to do that alot...things that resonated with me long ago, come to mind now and encourage me when I need it.) It's from a book by Gracia Burnham, a missionary taken captive by an Al Queida sect for over a year. Despite everything she endured, the hardest part for her too was being away from her children. Feeling like her kids lives were passing by as she and her husband sat in captivity. It took a toll on her faith. She decided she didn't believe that God could be a good God and do this. She and her husband, Martin, whose faith was not shaken thru the process, discussed it one night and it is his response to her that I remember:

"...Sometimes Martin would come and sit with me by the river. He'd say 'I just hate to see you giving up on your faith like this.'

'Oh, I'm not giving up on my faith,' I'd tell him, 'I still believe that God made the world, He sent His Son, Jesus, and that Jesus died for me...I'm just choosing not to believe the part about God loving me, because God is not coming thru.'

" Martin's gentle reply was this, "It seems to me either you believe it all, or you don't believe at all.'"

His answer hits me right where I am at. I can't believe just part of it. That doesn't make sense. So I will have to choose to trust that the all of the promises in the Bible are true, regardless of my feelings and circumstances. And that when God says "Lean not on your own understanding" Prov 3:5, He means it!