Its Time: Moving the Faith Poster

Ya'll.  Can I get a hug right now?  I kinda need one because I just took big step this morning.  I took the Faith Poster down from the wall beside my bed.  And I cried.
I am actually crying now as I type this!
I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't think it'd hit me this hard. And I only moved it to the back of my door! Ha! Now I'm crying and laughing!
I guess the tears just prove how much this poster means to me.  For the longest time, it was the only thing shining life into the darkest, loneliest days of my life.  When I had nothing but tears, I'd roll over and see the sweet little clippings I'd pain-stakingly placed on there....and they reminded me to hope. When everything in my body told me life as I knew it was over, the poster hung firmly, whispering that even if my future looks different, there are still good things to come.   And at the risk of sounding dramatic, this little poster helped me visualize things to live for when I really, really needed it.
I've wondered for a while now about taking it down.  It's been up for four years (one clipping reads "A Brand New You in 2009!")  But, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I'd miss it too much.  And there's some really important stuff on there is still isn't answered. 
Thru the years I have prayed for all of it to come true.
And a lot of it has!
But a lot of it hasn't.
So how could I take it down?
Then, I read this.  Where Joni Earickson Tada talked about a drawing a friend did for her right after her accident.  The artist sketched Joni "putting the pieces of her life back together," and Joni explained that some of those pieces never fit back together perfectly. But that "there is great wisdom in trusting God for each piece that doesn't go back the way it was."
And that hit home. 
It was time. Time to trust that God sees and knows whether the poster is there to remind me or not.

My life may never look like the picture I hoped for when I pieced those pictures together.
But it doesn't have to.  In fact, there is greater faith in believing that.
I'm on the other side of so much. And my life is good.
Different? Yes.  Harder?  Undoubtedly.
But it is still good.  I am seeing God move in some awesome, wonderful ways for me.
Not to mention that my heart is for sure changed becuase of all I've been thru the last four years.  God has grown me, stretched me, refined me, and I will never be the same. "From Sorrow to Strength," if you will. "A Beautiful New Me."
And the inner change has always been more important to me than the physical stuff, the "Active Life!" represented in the poster.
So today I took it down.....at least it hasn't gone too far. :)
I am sad, but I am happy as well.
I appreciate you letting me memorialize it here.  I think I needed to talk it out.
And for the record, I still believe God can give everything on there and more, if He so chooses.  But His way is perfect.
The only problem I have now is that my bedroom wall looks a little bare.
Luckily, I have Pinterest to help with that. :) 

A Thought That Counted

The other day I got a letter in the mail from my little sister.
She didn't have to send it, but she did.  And that means the world to me. 
Here's some of what it read:

"This card has been passed from my kitchen counter to my purse---just waiting for me to write it out. Just waiting for the right timing on what to say.

Although I know completely that you are rejoicing with us having another baby, I know part of you feels sad too. I couldn't say these words to you audibly, but I really appreciate your excitement (especially in us having a girl). I know it's probably hard for you and I don't neglect that in any way...

You have no idea the inspiration you are to me. I love you dearly."

Erika

There was more to it, of course, but that's the general idea. And I just want to say how much that small act of kindness was appreciated.
Thank you, Erika.
Thank you for (in the midst of your great joy) taking the time to think about me. 
And then making the effort to tell me so.
It really mattered.
I love you, too. And I'm so happy for you.

My baby sis and me

100 Things About Me for my 100th Post

So this is my 100th blog post. Wow. Back in 2008, I started writing here because I was very depressed and needed an outlet for my thoughts.
And I remember thinking that once my back got all better it would be neat to go back read how God healed me from such a low place.
Well.  That didn't necessarily happen how I thought, now did it? :)
But this blog has still been a soft place to fall and I love that. Even more, it opened my eyes to the others out there who write really, really good ones. This isn't one of those, of course.. but it's mine and I enjoy my little space here. 
For this milestone post I thought it'd be fun to write out "100 Things About Me," but that was before I realized what an intimidating feat that would be. Whew!
Nevertheless, I already started the list so I may as well finish.
Here goes nothing--
100 Things About Me
1. Holding warm clothes straight out of the dryer makes me smile.
2. I am pretty much cold all of the time.
3. Laughing so hard I cry is my favorite.
4. That doesn't happen often enough.
5. It makes me happy when my phone bings with a new text message.
6. But I don't like to talk on the phone.
7. I can actually be a little phobic about it.  It's odd.
8. My scardey-cat tendencies are EPIC. Always have been.
9. But I've worked on them for a long time, and I am s-l-o-w-ly seeing progress.
10. I have two recurring dreams.
11. One is that I'm in college and I find out there is a Math class I didn't take, therefore I can't graduate. Terrifying, I tell you. TERRIFYING.
12.  The other is that I am getting married and I don't know the guy and I don't want to marry him (once it was an Asian man?)...and all I want is to be with Andrew.
13.  I don't know my left from my right. And I'm not even kidding.
14.  Not knowing your left from right can be quite hazardous when you are alone and following MapQuest directions.
15. I'm a movie lover.
16. I really wish we all could agree to just ignore whatever comes after BlueRay. I really don't want to start my movie collection again.
17. I've found that wearing a hats is a good idea.  People comment on how together and fashionable I appear, when really I just skipped showering and doing my hair that day. 
18. It's a win, win really. :)
19. Favorite Oscar winning movies include: "Good Will Hunting," "Rain Man," "Forrest Gump," "The Kings Speech" and "Schindler's List."
20. But favorite rom coms are the best for a rainy day: "Return to Me," "You've Got Mail," "Sleepless in Seattle," and "The Holiday."
21. My favorite girly-girl stuff is perfect for those mopey moments when I need something special in my life: "Anne of Green Gables," "Little Women," "Pride and Prejudice," and "Gone with the Wind."
22. I also just discovered "Downton Abbey." Amen.
23. I love having a daughter.
24.  And especially get a kick out of how fancy and girly she is.
25.  'Cause I am too.
26.  I can't wait to introduce her to some of my favorite movies and books.
27.  I am sad that I may not have any more children. I grieve it.
28.  And I worry about SaraRose being an only child.
29.  I don't always understand God.
30.  But I trust Him anyway.
31.  I am descended from a passenger on the Mayflower.
32.  His name was Edward Doty; the relation is on my maternal grandmother's side.
33.  I enjoy the process of applying make-up and rarely go without it.
34. If I own any clothes that say "dry clean only" it pretty much means they will never be washed.
35. I took piano lessons for seven years and can't play a note.
36. When I quit piano old people told me, "When you grow up, you're going to regret that decision and wish you could play."
37. But I'm grown up now and I don't. Not one bit.
38. And speaking of ill-advised, hilarious childhood efforts...I once attended Basketball Camp.
39. To this day that makes me laugh because I have neither a competitive nor an athletic bone in my body.
40. Suffice it to say that it was a beautiful, redemptive day when I discovered my knack for the Theater. :)
41. I am a middle child.
42. I am also a pastor's daughter.
43. I have wonderful parents.
44. Only in the last decade or so have I realized what a rare and beautiful gift that is.
45. In fact, I hope I can raise my child as well as my parents did my sisters and me.
46. I think facebook is a fabulous invention.
47.  Except for the days that I don't.
48. When I was 16, I saw Tom Cruise place his hands and feet in the cement at the Grauman's Chinese Theater.
49.  Also that day, I got Nicole Kidman's autograph. (Um yea, this was back in Ye Olden Days when they were still married.)
50. It was a monumental day for my teenage self (major crush on Tom at the time!)
51. Now I think he's kind of a wackadoodle.
52. But even so, that day goes down as one of my best life memories ever.
53. I am like moth to a flame with a new People Magazine.
54. The only time I'm happy to see a red light in traffic is when I have a text message to finish.
55. I love me a good Bible Study.
56. I worked at Disney World.
57. Right now, my favorite sitcom is "The Big Bang Theory." Bazinga!
58. Rivaling my enjoyment of movies is watching a good television series on DVD.
59. I discovered the genius that is Gilmore Girls and The Office from a DVD marathon.
60. I miss Lorelai and Stars Hollow.
61. 10 years into marriage and I still carry guilt for not finishing my wedding thank you notes.
62. I graduated from Keswick Christian School.
63. And Liberty University.
64. I often wonder if I'll get my Masters Degree someday. Maybe.

65. I have never had my heart broken by a guy, but I have had it broken by a friend.

66. I have a fairly extensive "Gone with the Wind" collection. Old movie scripts, editions, posters and even a pen that reads "Frankly, my dear..." :) 
67. Right now, I'm wondering how many more of these I have to come up with!
68. And am hoping you aren't bored to tears wondering the same thing.
Oh well, let's keep going....
69.  I often wonder how on the world other people have money to keep up with technology (I certainly don't).
70.  I hated Jr. High.
71.  Though I can rarely articulate the words properly, I'm a poet at heart.
72. That's probably one reason I have a soft spot for John Denver music. Oh, yes. You heard me.
73. His music fills up my senses like a night in the forest, what can I say?
74. Typing all this stuff out, I'm realizing what a dork I am! (But aren't we all in our own way?!)
75. I thoroughly enjoy a good nap.
76. I've been to Israel and Jordan. 
77. I also studied theater in England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland one summer.
78. Both trips were awesome.
79. But now I've been to the all the overseas countries I've ever desired to visit, so I guess I'm good now? We'll see.
80. I am an extrovert who loves to meet, talk, laugh and hang with people.
81. But I'm kinda a homebody too.
82. My favorite pizza is Pizza Hut Pepperoni Lovers, stuffed crust.

83. An honest compliment can make my day.

84. Consequently, if I think something nice about a person, I generally try to tell them.
85. I figure, why keep kind stuff to yourself? It might make their day too.
86. I can impersonate Glinda the Good Witch from the "Wizard of Oz."
87. My husband and I met on a blind date.
88. One of my favorite, happiest past times is browsing a bookstore.

89. A good cry always makes me feel better.
90. I'm convinced I drink coffee not because I love the taste, but more because I enjoy the aroma and the warmth of the mug in my hands.

91. I have had wonderful women mentors in my life.  And I am so grateful for that. (Special shout-out to Terrie Scott and Peggy Hinson.)
92. I hope to pay that forward and mentor younger women myself as I grow and live this life.

93. It amazes me that my husband never exaggerates. Like, ever.
94. I, on the other hand, come from a long line of "gushers" who can tend to dramatize stories for effect. (It's a problem. I'm working on it :)
95. I have three major scars (all from surgeries).
96. I can't stand air vents blowing straight on me.
97. Peas and kidney beans totally gross me out.
98. Getting ready in the morning, I try and remind myself that another word for "beautiful" can be "confident."
99. I'm a sucker for a good quote and have a hand-written book of my favorites.

100. Show Tunes complete me.

Aaaaaaand that's a wrap, people! Over and out. ;) 

The Beth Moore Siesta Celebration (Or, Whew. I Did It :)

Well, I am back! If you read this blog pretty much at all, you know what an accomplishment this trip was for me.
Here's a little recap of everything.

This celebration was only for those of us who memorized Scripture all year and honestly, I never thought I'd be able to go.  I started memorizing just because I really wanted to internalize Psalm 139, and I knew if that was going to happen…I’d need accountability to get ‘er done. But as the year progressed and I memorized and memorized and got to verses 18…..19…..20….I started to think, maybe, just maybe I could go to the Celebration in January.

But that was a MASSIVE maybe.
Because of the pain I live with.
I haven't done anything on my own like that since all my surgeries, and the huge life adjustment.
And it's just a fact that I rely on a ton of help from other people, and need lots of rest to live my life.

But I really wanted to do it.  So I asked for the money for Christmas and booked my flight and rental car.  YIKES.

But. I did it, and I must say: I am proud.
And I also had a wonderful  time!  
My hotel was gorgeous and I met a ton of fun, sweet women (this world is filled with SO MANY awesome people, don’t you think?).

But best of all, was the Celebration. It was held at Houston’s First Baptist Church, which is where Beth’s Bible Study “Living Beyond Yourself” was filmed.  That was the first study of hers I ever did, and God spoke to me in big ways thru it.  So that was fun and strangely comforting to see it up close and personal.

There were women from all over that had memorized thru the year, but it was still a relatively intimate group of us. And I got a great seat.
Then, it started! 
And Lord have mercy, was the worship amazing! I GOT MY PRAISE ON, people!  I had to laugh when I totally pulled a Miss America 2012 and forgot to wear waterproof mascara!  Um, duh. When the Holy Spirit shows up, it better be waterproof. :) But what a fantastic night! 
Beth brought a WORD from 2 John.  Those of you who have done her studies can just imagine. 
After the event was over, we had a group picture, and after that, I waited my turn and got to speak with and hug Beth. Oh, yes I did. I felt so honored for the opportunity; not many others got to do that.  It’s so sweet to be able look straight in the eye and talk with someone God has used to  profoundly speak truth and growth into your life.  Then she squeezed my hand and hugged me too.
So I pretty much consider us besties now. 

Me and my new BFF

I also got to chat with her daughter Amanda and meet two other bloggers, Melanie (Big Mama) and Sophie (BooMama) who write hilarious blogs that I love reading.

So, that was Friday, and I don’t think I have ever been so relieved to see a big, king-sized bed in my life. 
Saturday morning, I breakfasted with some of the sweet girls I’d met the night before and then followed them to the church for the conclusion of the event.  I had flashbacks of AWANA when we had to get with a partner and recite our verses.  But I did good!  I even got an extra gift for being able to say all 24 from the whole year.  See, AWANA?  Have I redeemed myself yet? (AWANA and I have a complicated relationship.  I loved it; it didn’t love me back.)
But seriously, it was a powerful, beautiful service and lucklily this time, I remembered the waterproof!
By the time it was over, my poor back was SCREAMING at me, so I had to bow out of lunch plans to go back to the hotel and rest, but I rested in satisfaction knowing that I had done it. The biggest part of the whole adventure was over.  And I had gotten to meet Beth Moore. :)

The most difficult part of the whole experience for me was THE DRIVING. Ugh. I had very detailed maps (thank you, Andrew) of each place I had to go, but I pretty much got lost every single time I got out on those crazy, crisscrossing streets.  So I avoided driving around out at all costs.  It was only in the car, lost, all by myself that I heard myself screaming “WHAT WAS I THINKING??! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS!!!”  

But, I knew deep down I didn’t really mean it.

It was totally worth it. 
But believe me when I say…. I AM glad to be back home!

A trip. And he knows me well. :)

Tomorrow, I'm flying to Houston to attend a special Celebration for all the women who memorized 24 Scripture verses this year thru Beth Moore's blog!
I am very excited...I know it's going to be tons of fun and extremely encouraging.
I am also a little nervous, because this is the first trip of this magnitude I've taken since all my back stuff has happened.  Should be an interesting adventure! I'm just gonna take stuff as it comes.

I also wanted to share a cute little anecdote before I take off. 
I already posted about it on Facebook, so sorry if this is overlapping for anyone.

But while I was packing the other night I mention to Andrew, "Good grief, it seems like everyone is so worried about me--I have travelled before, you know." (I had been *a little* bombarded with helpful travel hints that day.)
And his answer to me was brilliant; the man knows me well:  "Kristen, it's kinda like in 'Return to Me' when years after her big surgery Grace goes to Italy... and her grandpa and his friends are all standing around worrying if she's going to be alright, and asking if she really wants to do this. We've all been with you thru so much, and we just want to make sure you're going to be ok."
And I totally got it--I speak movie. :)
And *tears* it made me very grateful for everyone in my life that cares so much.

Wish me luck!!

It doesn't happen often that something greatly exceeds my expectations. I'm a dreamer, ok?!
But there is one thing that's done it. 
Over and above. 
Cup to overflowing.
Storybook beautiful.
MOTHERHOOD --
Totally better than I ever dreamed it might be.

What I Found Out This Year

2012--ready or not, here it comes! I love that life has cycles, seasons, beginnings and endings,   because I don't know about you, but fresh starts are good for me.  I need the hope a new dawn brings with it. Before 2011 closes I wanted to share a word...two words actually....that I feel have defined this past year for me.
"Just enough"
I've prattled on and on on this blog about the tough times I have with pain and what its like coming to terms with the fact that something really bad may be a forever chronic life issue.
Things have been a roller coaster the past four years. Huge ups (SaraRose Joy being born) and devastating downs (three unsuccessful surgeries anyone?)
But thru the desperation, I've seen "just enough" play out over and over in my circumstances. And I am convinced that most often, this is how God moves.
I don't understand why and it is not my way -- that's for sure!  I desire the BIG, the BOLD, the UNMISTAKABLE. But time after time, I've received bits of hope *just* when I'm convinced all is lost. A word that encourages perfectly *just* when I wonder if I'm forgotten. A medication that helps the pain *just* when I thought I couldn't take anymore. Sustaining grace. Not deliverance. Just enough.
I received two such graces just this morning...both at the perfect moment.
And I wouldn't have always recognized them as such--I would have held out for more.
But I am learning.
It is rarely ALL, but it is ENOUGH.  For some reason I'll probably never know, most often....that's where He is found.
And when I look back on it....it is good!   Difficult, but still good.
"Just enough" was really all I needed.

And on a lighter note.....
Here's SaraRose on New Years Eve, 2008. In a popcorn bin.

And here she is this year. In our clothes hamper.

Happy New Year everyone!