David is my Homeboy

My whole life, the Psalms have been the safe place I run when the world seems to overwhelm me. Being the sensitive, fearful child that I was it was only in reading the Psalms at night--my Bible tucked under my pillow--that I could fall asleep.  The words gave comfort while I slept and promises of strength to face another day at school. 
In sixth grade, I memorized my then favorite--Psalm 91--for a Speech Meet (and oh yea, sixth grade self! I won a 1st Place ribbon, the 1st time I ever received recognition for something performance related.)
Little did I know it then, but thru the even tougher years of growing up--more times than I can count--having those words tucked deep in my heart gave refuge to my confused, young adult soul.
It is still, hands-down, my favorite chapter in the whole Bible, very likely because it's been right there with me thru so much. 
Now in my early 30's I've faced many of my fears, but I still love a life that's more difficult than I imagined for myself. Thru this ordeal with my back pain, Psalm 139 has become a close second favorite chapter. The promises it holds are remarkably personal. It's given peace that God sees me, knows me, and thinks of me more than I can fathom.
I've wanted it memorized for a while.  But the actual memorizing without a class project or deadline or something?  I knew that probably wasn't going to happen. This girl needs accountability :) 
So I was excited when last January, Beth Moore announced on her blog that she provides a place for women to memorize throughout the year (logging in two verses every month, 24 for the full year).   I instantly knew this was my chance to get Psalm 139:1-18 hidden in my heart just as Psalm 91 has been all these years.
 *side note*--As an incentive to those who log in faithfully, Beth is throwing a celebration in Houston, January 2012. I am planning to go and asking for the money for the plane ticket for Christmas!
And I did it. Just a few weeks ago I logged in verse 18! It's been amazing how much slowly memorizing verse by verse has enriched my life.  So often, it's been just what I need at just the right moment. In fact, right before that awful last doctors appointment, I whispered the chapter to myself on the x-ray table.
Here's the proof that I actually do have it all memorized. I recorded this video a few weeks ago, so my hair isn't quite as long anymore.  It looks a little bit more like this now, actually.

But that's neither here nor there....back to the important, spiritual stuff :)

Tough Stuff

I've been having a rough time lately.  Like really rough.  It all started with that stupid doctors appointment.   I wasn't expecting to feel this way, but it's shaken me to the core.  Everything seems more final now.  And its brought back to the surface a ton of disappointments.  I'm trying (again) to work thru it all.  To figure out how God wants me to cope. How do I glorify Him in all of this?  How do I move forward when so many of my dreams aren't possible?
I'm battling thoughts that seem consumed by all I can't do.
Losing your health (especially at a young age) isn't for sissies.
I did a Bible Study recently and one of the questions asked was "what would the perfect day look like for you?" I quickly chimed in with an answer having something to do with shopping and shows in New York City (and everything to do with Andrew being with me :)....but later, on the drive home, I could hardly see thru my tears....because I knew really what the perfect day would look like for me. And it didn't have anything to do with NYC. It was simply waking up and doing anything, being anywhere, without pain.

And there is another massive loss that looms and hurts maybe even more than all that right now. It's difficult for me to even talk about.  But it's where I'm at so I may as well be honest. Because of several elements in my back situation, I can't have another child.  It's a profound loss, but I don't mention it for you to feel sorry for me.  It's just the truth; part of the tough stuff I'm trying to wrap my mind around.  I wrote a little bit about my feelings here. And that helped me process things.  But I know I'm still in mourning--I haven't reached the other side yet. Some days I wonder if I ever will.
I know all of this is huge, heavy stuff. So heavy, in fact, it has the ability to quickly undo all I long to be as a follower of Christ. I know I must tred very carefully as I make my way thru this world of questions, doubt...suffering.  Too often I've watched tough stuff change people. And not for the better, either. Just recently I talked with a friend I admire and love deeply.  Hard times she's facing have allowed some very ugly, cynical views to take root in her mind and heart. It made me so sad to hear her talking that way, believing those lies. Giving in to the hardship.  But it also fortified in me that I do not want to succumb to that kind of mindset. Ever. I don't want to let the pain win over that part of me too.
So I will keep fighting.  It's easy at this point to feel like I've lost.  I fought a long, hard battle for "healing" and it didn't happen. Much in me tells me that I've lost.  But I know that I didn't lose.  My Lord knows all about my circumstances. And my life isn't over yet. And even though these days have been hard, when I take the time to ask and listen, He quietly whispers promises to remind me "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" (Ps. 138:8) and that He "restores the years the locusts have eaten." (Joel 2:25 ) I read those verses within two days of each other....I know He's speaking them into my very tender heart.
So the real question then becomes, will I believe Him in the midst of all the tough stuff...even when I absolutely cannot see it? 

The Doctor Visit I've Been Dreading

I went to my spine doctor today and now I am exhausted.  I'm pretty much always sick at my stomach the day before an appointment, and the whole week prior I am a complete grouch. Andrew just kinda stays out of my way.  Bless his heart. I really try to live one day at a time.  Constant pain+looking too far into the future=panic attack.  So the command from Jesus to "not worry about tomorrow" is a life-saver for me.  My greatest coping mechanism.  But when I know a doctor's appointment is coming, living one day at a time is hard.
Today was especially tough because I had to have the "there's not much more we can do" talk with  the surgeon.  I knew it was coming, but hearing it discussed with real, out-loud words hit me like a Mack Truck.  I got in the car and cried and cried. That is a pretty consistent happening after talking in depth about my back issues, but today it just felt extra sad.  I still have a headache.
Because basically, the pain I suffer with every day is probably stemming from nerve damage or scar tissue that has grown inside the nerve, and it is very hard to diagnose and treat.  There are things that can be done to help manage the pain, but not much that will completely cure it.  I've seen and spoken with a large variety of surgeons over these grueling past 3.5 years, so I've long known (after the last surgery didn't help) that this was probably what I'd be facing.  But still.  Hard to go there. Hard to talk about.  So final.  I'm hopeful that there will be strides made in the area of nerve damage/spine/pain issues in the future and there are even some tests I may try down the not too distant road. But for now, I just want some time of normalcy (my new normal, anyway).   Sept 1st was the anniversary of my third back operation in under three years (including one massive, brutal operation that opened me up from the front AND the back), so are you feelin me here? GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A BREAK.  So.  That is were we are.
The one good thing that came out of today's appointment is that I don't have to switch doctors.  I thought maybe at this point I might have to.  But I'm thankful to stay with him.  He's the one I've always felt the most comfortable with (after meeting an array thru the years). He's been with my story from the beginning (1st surgery was 1999), he's been available when I really needed it, and he definitely knows his spine stuff.  I like him.  So I am thankful that I don't have to start another doctor-find.  Those are daunting.  Some doctors are rude. And it's overwhelming to tell my story over and over. And to then hear the inevitable "Wow. How old are you? You're really young for all this." Yea, I know. Tell me about. 

Lately, I've prayed deeply for direction, so I feel even this little provision is an answer.  I am learning to give thanks for every gift, even if it seems small compared to the big bold answers I know God is capable of.  As I get to know and fall in love with Him more, I realize this is His way.  A still small voice. He asks me to just keep trusting with the big stuff.  So I will. 

I recall a quote I taped in my Bible about a decade ago while I worked at Disney World.  I was 21 and it spoke to me.  I'd would pray it to Him with all my heart many, many times while I went about my day working my dream job.  Little did I know He just might take me up on it. :)

"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.

Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.

Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to Yourself."

 -David Livingstone

I think He's asking me now if I really meant it.  And I did.  Just sustain me, ok, Lord?
I know He will.

It's more than a blog post; it's a Vlog post

I know, impressive! I've never done this before, and I learned a few things in the short time it took:

#1) I talk with my hands...alot.

#2) Propping a laptop up on pillows makes for a shakey foundation. Especially if the recordee talks with her hands alot.

#3) I should probably allow *a little more* recording time before people are scheduled to come home. It makes things awkward. :)

Alright, here goes nothing. Let's try this thing.

A celebration that lingers

It's been 3 days since Andrew and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary, and my cup is still overflowing from the joy of that evening. I knew it would be fun. I knew I'd wear my wedding dress again and we'd renew our vows. But I wasn't expecting the well of emotion once the evening began and our friends and family started to arrive. Suddenly, there was so much love filling the atmosphere. So much support and happiness! I felt it down to my bones. It's easy to take for granted all the wonderful people in your life who are there for you and who want the best for you, until you get a ton of them in a room together. :) It is a shower of laughter, hugs and hope!

I think God wants this kind of celebration for all of us every now and then. To remind us that we aren't just loved, we are LOVED. I was (and am still) so, so happy.

But, of course the celebration eventually came down to just the two of us. Andrew and me, going on 10 years as man and wife. When I walked out to meet him again...this time with our dainty daughter's tiny hand in mine...my heart was near to bursting!

.This time, Andrew and I know completely what it all really means. We've been thru a lot. We understand the gravity of those words we are saying. There are no romantic notions clouding our view. And yet, there is still so much love for each other. So much assurance that we are meant to be. We'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. And we did.

It's been so nice that the contentment of the evening has lingered in my heart. It's only the really special memories that can do that; I could probably count them on one hand.
But this evening? This evening was for the books.
And it was the perfect foundation for the decades to come.

4 Thoughts That Kept Me From Another Unpublished Post

I looked thru some old drafts a few days ago. You know, the posts you write just to get stuff off your chest, then decide there's no way you're going to put that kind of hot mess out into the world wide web?! Ha! Well, that's what this little poem was. I wrote it back in January, and it had obviously been a bad few weeks.

If I'm sure about anything,

It's that my life is unsure.

I had lots of plans this week.

I've been feeling stable,

And stable is as good as it gets.

So I made plans--

To meet up with some new faces,

Have a play date,

Celebrate a birthday,

Shop for curtains,

Be with SaraRose.

But it all came to screeching halt.

Because I went for a walk on Friday

Yes, something as simple as that...

And I've been in bed ever since.

I'm tired of being the variable,

The one everyone has to work around.

The one stuck at home,

Not being able to give all I want others.

I'm tired of catering to the pain.

Cause I don't want it to win

But it so does some days.

Most of all I'm just tired.

So so tired.

I want an end.

I need a reprieve

God help me.

I can't imagine why I did publish that! Yea. It's probably a good rule of thumb to not post anything ending with the phrase "God help me." :)

But oddly enough, when I reread it a day ago or so, it was comforting to me. Because I was struggling with those exact same thoughts again.

Only this time, it was not being able to keep up with my family's vacation pace that had me feeling overwhelmed. My older sister and her 4 kids (whom I haven't seen in 3 years) were in town, and my back problems seemed glaring because there were tons of fun things planned and people to spend time with....and I simply couldn't keep up. It always makes me so sad. It makes me feel like I'm 80 years old.  This go around tho, even tho there was some crying and some major moments of frustration, I worked hard to not sink into the bleakness of said poem above.

Instead, I fought to look at things like this:

1. I still have the best part--Though I may not be as physically fun as I'd like to be, I'm still able to bring the most important stuff to any event I'm a part of. I can bring my energy, my personality, my enthusiasm, joy and love with me. I may not be the one running, jumping and swimming anymore but I can still laugh, talk and connect. I can still help people have a good time when they're with me.

2. Memories can be streamlined: I wasn't able to host my 9 year old niece sleeping over at my condo every night like she wanted, but I made the most of the one sleepover we did have--we stayed up late, watched movies, did beauty shop and played Clue.  I may not have been able to swim when we went to the beach or to the pool, but I organized and judged a splash contest and helped my nephew improve his underwater hand-stand skillz. If I had a moment--even if it was short--I tried to make it the best I could.

3. Choosing one thing over another: UGH. It speaks for itself and it's my least favorite. I'm naturally a I-want-to-do-it-all kind of girl. But here's one example (from several this week) of something I chose over another to help keep my pain down and my chin up: my dad baptized my niece and nephew on Sunday night and I didn't want to miss a sweet moment like that! So, I chose not to go to the party celebrating it after church. But I got to be there for the event and to hug and congratulate them both, as well as sit next to their drying little wet heads thruout the church service. To me, that was more important than the party.

4. It is worth the effort: I pushed myself to be an active part of everything I could, even if I wasn't feeling very well, because it's always worth the effort. And you know what's funny? Later, when I think back or look at pictures...I rarely remember how badly my back hurt or how frustrated I was about what I couldn't do. I just remember how much fun we had, who played what joke on whom, and how blessed I am to be part of such a wonderful family.

My favs: The pricey edition

Do you remember that cartoon Duck Tales? My sister and I watched it faithfully every day after school. "Duck Tales, wooooo-ooooo!" Ah, the memories. Now, do you also recall how sometimes Scrooge McDuck would do the backstroke thru a large vat of money? Yea. Well, you might just need a large vat of your own to afford some of the things I'm going to list here! But still. I thought you may enjoy seeing some of the stuff I find fabulous enough to spend big bucks on. I am a frugal, inexpensive shopper pretty much all the time. But when it comes to a few items, I really agree with what my dad says every single time he buys a Daniel Cremieux tie--"you get what you pay for." :)

Alright. Grab those Benjamens and here we go....

#1) Biolage Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioning Balm.

Not gonna lie, I definitely splurge on my hair. And Biolage is my one true love when it comes to products. To me, no drugstore shampoo can even come close to how manageble and light Biolage leaves my hair. I've used it since the highschool perm days and it's never let me down. Not to mention that the smell of the shampoo remains one of my favorite scents in the whole wide world--I've been known to stop in a store aisle just to have a sniff. :)

#2) DKNY One-Shoulder One Piece.

Anytime I buy a bathing suit, I invest in a more expensive one (like $100 range *cough*). But to me, It. Is. Worth it. They're made better and the fabric is stronger--therefore they last longer and fit well. It's a splurge for sure. This is my new one for summer and I'm really happy with it.

#3) MAC Jazzy-Razz Long-Lasting Lip Lustre.

You're not going to believe the price tag on this one. Don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep it up, but I am in love. At first, I only bought this because I had a gift certificate to MAC, and at the time I really needed some lipstick. But it quickly ruined my ability to wear any other brand. The color is the perfect neutral pink...but it's the subtle sparkle gloss that really sets it apart. It leaves your lips with a very Kardashianish glow. And the color stays on all day long. Seriously, people. BUT it costs $22.00 a pop. Phew.

#4) Calvin Klein Little Black Flats.

These are my most favorite flats ever. My hubby got them for me on our 8th anniversary....and I still wear them like they're brand new. They've stayed comfy and shapely thru two years of wear and tear. And I'm really tough on my shoes! I think they were about $80.00, but they make me reconsider buying cheap $10 flats all the time. Those never last like these have.

Do you like the little pose I'm striking for you here? :)

#5) Zero Gravity Chair from Relax the Back.

Love isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about this wonder chair. It's especially designed to relieve pressure off the lower spine, and it works! As soon as I sit down, my back pain lessens. You're able to easily tip it to whatever angle feels most comfortable. So, much UNlike sitting in a regular chair, all pressure points are gone. It's so cozy that when I'm not sitting in it, someone else always is. The thing I personally appreciate best is that it allows me to be out in the living room (where the action is) more...when I otherwise might have to be back in my bedroom lying down. Suh-weet! Unfortunately they're not cheap. But TOTALLY worth it if you've got back problems.

That just about does it for my list of splurges. I'm much too practical to have many more. But all of these come with the Kristen-I-don't-think-you'll-be-sorry seal of approval. Even if you don't have large vats of money down in your basement. :)