Ways He Sustains & Two People to Prove It

God’s choices never cease to baffle and amaze, but ultimately comfort me.
I’ve found that even thru my toughest times He has always there, sustaining. And I'm not just talking about the touchy-feely comfort of His Holy Spirit. Many times, it's more than that. Many times, it's as practical as a real life person sent to help me carry the load. As I look back over my 32 years (going on 33, ahem!), two stories imparticular come to mind.
The first was during my first real job out of college. I worked for a very difficult person (and that's putting it nicely). To this day I can get all riled up talking about how I was mistreated and taken advantage of by my boss. And this was my first real job ever! (I told you to not get me started :)
It was a rough time, and I longed to be delivered.
But my husband was still in college so we *kinda* needed for me to have a job. I looked frantically for other openings, praying for an out. But over and over I kept hearing the same answer: “My grace is sufficient for you.” I ended up not getting a new job until Andrew graduated and we moved.
But here's the point...
In the day in and day out of that battle there was a kind, funny administrative assistant named Janie that was hired to work beside me. We became quick friends. She made me laugh. She believed in me. She had practical work smarts and helped me navigate decisions. She encouraged me when my boss threw me under the bus. I smile now just thinking of her, because she was such a God-send. A physical, flesh and bone sustainer when I really, really needed it. God didn’t deliver me from that experience, but thru her sweet smile and helpful hand, I was able to bare it.

Fast forward 5 years and here's the second story. This one's quite recent: It's well documented on this blog that I live in pain. Because of that, I don’t have the physical stamina to care for SaraRose all day by myself, and that's been really hard on this mama’s heart. For a long time my own mom was coming over all day, every day, to help me care for her, and that was a lot on both of us. After a while, Andrew’s parents offered to pay to put SaraRose in daycare to help provide everyone a little break. Now, I know daycare is a wonderful option for many, but I've had a life long dream of being a stay-at-home mom and the thought of giving that up just to lie in bed was a low blow to my already tender heart. I cried at the thought, and prayed desperately for something to GIVE already. But the prayers and days wore on and the healing didn’t come.
But here's the point...
During that time, God kept bringing to mind my friend Summer. Summer, a fellow stay-at-home mom who’d just recently moved down the road from me. Summer, who’s schedule was super flexible. Summer, who’s little boy, TK, is SaraRose’s exact same age and just happens to be her favorite playmate. Summer, who might welcome a bit of extra income.
It all fit. It fit too perfectly to just be coincidence.
She and TK started coming over two mornings a week.
...and It. Has. Been. Wonderful. It's the perfect reprieve I need to make it thru the rest of the day on my own. SaraRose has a blast and I love Summer's company. Her schedule works perfectly with my moms and with her here, I relax and feel more like a regular mama just sharing a playdate. And best of all, I've been able to keep that blessed stay-at-home mom status. It was not the deliverance I prayed for, but it has been just enough to help me bear the load (not to mention Summer and I've had the unexpected blessing of a very deep friendship growing between us.)
I’ll never understand the hand of God.
I would love it if He'd just take me out of tough circumstances.
But I am learning to trust Him and to and see that even though it is hard, He has never left me alone.
And I'm eternally grateful for those,
the many,
He's used to sustain me when I needed it most.
Both Janie and Summer have been Jesus' hands and feet to me.
Who says you can't see the hand of God?

Paper Packages Tied Up With String

Do you know what this is? It's one of my favorite things. I find it in my mailbox every single week, and it has my name written on the outside. Enclosed there's always a movie and a hand-written letter from my Aunt Carol (we're both movie lovers). She started sending these to me Sept 1, the date of my last surgery, and she hasn't stopped since. And did I mention I get them every single week? Just to encourage me and to let know me how much she thinks of me. It's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done. I've told her she can stop sending them whenever she needs to, but it's kinda become a highlight in my life. No pressure, Aunt Carol. :) I am loved.

A Really Relevant Review

Well, kinda relevant. Ok, well not really that relevent at all. Osama bin Laden has made this *a little* less news-worthy. And that's as it should be. But surely someone out there wants to hear my thoughts on the Royal Wedding.....right? Right? Hello? Oh well. I'm including it anyway. Because it made me laugh and I'm entirely too somber on this blog most of the time.

Below is an email exchange between from my friend Carrie, our old college buddy Chris (who surprisingly is not a Royal fan at all), and me. There are some inside jokes here, of course, but over all I think you'll find it entertaining.
First, I'll start with Carrie's original email to me the day of the wedding. She's a funny one. Here's her thoughts:

"Kristen and Chris,
Well, I guess my invitation got lost in the mail. I won’t hold it against Will and Kate, as they’ve had so much on their plate these last few weeks. But since I know you all are the only two people willing to read my thoughts on the royal wedding…I am sending you my ROYAL REVIEW! So, grab a cup of tea and borrow an Easter hat from Kristen’s collection and join me for the play by play! (feel free to read the following in a British accent)
The Media Coverage
First let me remind you that my review is limping with limited coverage from NBC and ABC. So, I didn’t have the "Ryan Seacrest advantage" that you cable tv viewers probably had. But if I hear one more reporter ask, “Why is this wedding such a big deal to American audiences?” I could puke! I’ll tell you why were interested. Because while American media is busying taping the next episode of Jersey Shore with it’s drunken trolls, England is providing us a reminder of what real class looks like. Also, I think the media is focusing too much on Diana and Charles failed marriage. It just seems inappropriate. Diana is dead, Charles is remarried, this is William’s happiest day…why bring up that over and over again?
The Bride
I wondered how Kate would pull off grand and regal, and still look 2011. All I can say is WOW! I thought she looked amazing. I loved the simple tierra and the sheer lace veil! My favorite part of the dress was the way the lace collard high around her neck. The dress was fitted to perfection. She truly made me proud to be a brunette!!! Kristen and Kate with their Pantene hair give us all hope! For all her petite figure, the princess must have big knuckles though. I thought the ring wasn’t going to fit. (I guess everyone has to have some kind of flaw!) I thought Cate’s best accessory was her genuine happy smile.
The Groom
William looked very handsome and seemed so focused on his bride. I think William gives hope to all the balding men out there. Good for him…natural, and just working with what he’s got.
The Guests
I entered this section for Chris, because we had to mention the Beckham’s. Of course, they looked stunning! I was a little surprised that Victoria wore black??? I think our favorite fashonista had a lil' fashion fau pa’. I like Victoria, but for goodness sake smile woman!!! You’re gorgeous, your husband’s gorgeous, your filthy rich, your friends of royalty, and you’re a former spice girl…if that doesn’t make you smile what will?
The Kiss
Well, leave it to old NBC to screw things up. We almost missed the first kiss thanks to some reporter rattling on about nothing. So at first I was a little worried. It was a quick peck, too quick. But just as I was fretting, William went in for the second kiss! YEA!!! The fairytale is complete!
The Family
The queen and her husband are close to 100 and still looking wonderful! I loved Cate courtesy-ing to the queen!!! Let’s hear it for Prince Harry. Whoo-hoo!!! I’m not one that’s normally into red-headed men, but Harry is super adorable. He adds a little spark to the royal family, that is not so stiff, but not so partying that he’s out of control.
The Fairytale
My favorite part was William and Kate driving off alone in their little convertible with balloons attached. So personal. They really pulled off the full fairytale! It’s amazing how for all the woman’s lib crap and all the feminist movement trying to convince everyone that marriage is outdated and un-necessary in the modern day…that the whole world just cheered and celebrated as one man and one woman who seem to really love each other, committed to be faithful to each other till the day they die. That is how it should be!
Alright my royal friends, Now I’ll be waiting to hear your thoughts.
I'm off to go do some laundry for my Prince Charming.
Hope you all have a fabulous Friday!
Cheers,
Carrie"

I had to respond later that day with this:
"As with our oh so fab after Oscar review, I am so thrilled to talk about this with you I can't even take it! And just so you know Carrie, I was very disappointed to find out thru facebook that Chris is not a Royal fan at all. I know, very disappointing, my friend. Very disappointing.
I have thoughts! Oh I have thoughts! LOTS of them!! But we are heading out to Disney World this evening and I won't be able to get back to you til Monday. Boo! Hopefully by then all my wonderful thoughts won't be old news.
I'll be reporting back soon with exclusive Kristen content soon!"

And finally yesterday I got to put my two cents in. Here you go:

"Wow. Well, Osama bin Laden is dead. It just doesn’t get any bigger than that, folks. I was expecting my royal wedding report to be a little dated by now, but I wasn’t expecting a complete and utter smack-down! Where does a girl go from here? Does it all even matter anymore? Can something so frivolous be meaningful in light of the truly powerful and news-worthy? My answer? HECK YES! And I hope you agree! (shut up, Chris)
And so I will glory in flying my British flag high one last time and then I’ll quietly put it away. All the while secretly hoping People Magazine had the chance to put out at least one issue before Osama’s nasty face rules all covers J
And so…let us put Middle East conflict on the back burner, shall we, to commence chatting about the oh-so-pivitol royal scene? Alrighty-then.
(seriously Chris, SHUT YOUR MOUTH)
OK! first on the agenda--
The commentators:
After much back and forth I finally decided on Diane Sawyer and Barabra Walters as my journalists of choice for that fantastic morning. There was a history with them that the other journalists seemed to lack and I think I made the right choice. Except….is it just me or does Barbara’s voice get just *a little bit* grating after listening to it for four hours? Yea. Glad it’s not just me.
The invites:
Ok, can we just talk for a second about Fergie not being invited? Tacky, tacky, tacky. Seriously people, if there is ever a time to put aside differences and come together for the greater good, it is at a wedding. Royal snubbery should be left in the Rolls Royce.
….and while we’re on the subject of Fergie, that brings me to Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. Oh Princess Beatrice and Eugenie. Was any one else thinking Cinderella’s evil step sisters when they arrived? You could practically feel the Queen rolling her eyes as they squeezed into their seats with the Royal family. Girls, I know you’re trying to be hip and cool, but you’re not helping you mother’s case AT ALL in those hats.
The ceremony:
Sigh.
Lovely. Lovely. Lovely from start to finish.
It helps that I’m officially head over heels for Westminster Abbey anyway (left over from my LU trip, thank you Dr. Partee), and thought it could not have looked more stunning. The green trees lining the aisles. The chandeliers hanging tall. The black and white checked floor with the red carpet. And the bells ringing!! Oh I loved the bells ringing!! It was all so very fabulous! Another thing I adored was the bride’s long walk down the aisle. I guess I didn’t realize it would be a good four minute walk, but each moment of it was perfect. Especially as she made her way past the singing choirs. And the fact that William didn’t turn to see her till she got to him? Swoon. It all was romantic perfection. I’ll admit I shed a tear.
The only awkward parts:
Now, I realize I am nit-picking here, but seriously, camera guy. We all get that Elton John was in attendance. But do we really have to keep getting a reaction shot from him (especially considering there is no reaction?) And the ring going on. *cue the only awkward pause of the entire ceremony.* Did you guys not practice this? The scrunching. The wiggling. And skin wrinkling...all on extreme close-up. I think the whole all of England took a collective breath when that thing finally went past the knuckle.
The dress:
Here again, I have nothing but good to say. Before the big day, I was a little concerned that Kate’s over- all classic fashion style might be too under-stated and she’d go with a dress that would be form fitting without a large skirt. And in my opinion, that just isn’t going to work in the fabulous, captivating, and HUGE Westminster Abbey. You gotta OWN it walking down that aisle! But the dress did not disappoint. The large skirt and train totally fit the bill, while the classic lace neckline and veil still allowed her own style to shine thru. I’m glad she had very simple flowers too. Everything worked. Oh! And I especially love that she wore her hair down. With hair like that, let’s see it!
And last but not least, a Special Shout Out to Pippa.
First of all, great tan, girlfriend. Second of all, you rocked that simple elegant white dress. Thirdly, I hand you the “Juggling with Grace the Most Terrifying Role of the Whole Wedding” Award. I mean seriously. You had to hold the train, walk with the train, keep the train fanned out, all the while doing nothing to draw attention to yourself…AS WELL AS keeping an eye on/holding hands with three little children. Sheesh. I’m sure your pits were sweating. But you never let it show. Great job!
Well, I guess that about covers my thoughts on the big day, guys!! I totally loved every minute of it. I guess I’ll just have to rely on E! for any coverage on it from here on out. But that’s ok, it was fun while it lasted."

And there you have it! What fun.

Did you watch the Wedding? What did you think?

On allowances and such

I probably shouldn't be blogging. Because I'm a little bummed right now. And when I feel this way, write, and click Publish I usually end up rolling my eyes days later when, feeling chipper and content with with my lot in life, I reread it.
But here goes anyway. This could be interesting :)
Why am I so bummed?
Well, I had to do a crummy thing: choose for the day which fun event I'll miss out on. Sounds pitiful, I know. But just bear with my pity party for a sec, ok? :) I have to do this often. Pain catches up with me quickly, so from day to day I must prioritize what I'm involved in. It's often a disappointing balancing act.
It's kind of like when you were a teenager and your parents would give you a certain amount of money to spend for shopping. You knew it'd go quickly, so you saved it thruout your shopping spree, weighed out what it could buy you in several different stores before you finally spent it on what you really wanted. Similarly, each day I wake up with a certain amount of stamina. Some mornings I've got $100 dollars to spend--and that's awesome...I might get to do 2 or 3 activities that day, probably even drive myself! But other mornings I roll out of bed with just $10 dollars and some change--meaning I'll need quite a bit of help with SaraRose, and if I get to go out someone else will have to drive.
It's not a super fun way to live. And it makes for some teary, bummer moments for an middle of the action lovin girl like me.
But I do remind myself that it's not all bad either.
There have been days in the past when I woke up with $0.00 to spend. So I'm learning to be grateful for any "money in my pocket," however little or much it is.
And I know for sure that I never ever want to get to the place where I don't cash in on what I've got. To me, that's when the pain/hardship start winning. I pray I NEVER LET THE PAIN WIN.

And the other not so bad thing about living this way is that it helps me streamline which commitments I really want to be a part of, and which things I need to say no to.
Subsequently, when I am able to be a part I am fully present and very grateful for every moment. I enjoy it for all it's worth. As opposed to before when I took many things for granted. Even complained about having to go. Seems hard to believe that now.
So, even tho I'm lying here while my in-laws, hubby and daughter are scouring tourist traps in Safety Harbor, I know that Andrew and I were able to have a very nice date last night. And that was super important to me and really fun. (It including a yummy dinner and shopping at my favorite-can't-afford-anything-but-I-still-love-looking store, Anthrogologie.)
So, this morning Safety Harbor got the ax. The $$ it would have cost me is tucked into my pocket for that date and to hopefully attend our church Home Fellowship Group tonight.
....where we are watching The Passion of the Christ in honor of Holy Week.
Now THAT should give me some real perspective.

Betcha my life is gonna be swell...

I'm so thankful that recently I got to be an acting coach for a production of Annie.

And I reeeaaaaalllllly mean that when I say thankful.

Because the story behind the story is this:

If there's one thing I've never had to work very hard to be good at, it's acting and theater. It's just always come naturally. From the time I was five years old and acting out Little House on the Prairie scenes in my bedroom :) I've loved it, studied it, and participated in it whenever possible.

I can look at a script and instantly see beyond the words to how lines should be interpreted, how the action would best play out, what drives each character and so on. That may not sound riveting to a lot of folks, but to me it's the most thrilling stuff evah! Heart-pounding excitement. I absolutely love it.

I don't say that to boast. I say that to say it's a gift. We all have those things that come as easy as breathing.

But...

(these days it seems there's often a "but" associated with bliss--a stretching and a growing added to the thing that was once easy).

I've had to hold acting with an open hand, especially these past few crazy years. I've truly wondered if I'll ever do it again. Why? Well, opportunities aren't always readily available. And when they are, you have to be on your A-game. Any director speaks of the actor's body as their instrument. And my instrument is in constant pain and pretty badly broken.

So I have wondered.

And along with other losses, it has at times seemed a hard blow.

But I though wondered, the thought didn't crush me like it might have before.

Because, you see, God and I did serious business with theater's priority in my heart long ago. My desire for it no longer looms too largely in my life.

It is something I love, am gifted at, and look to God to use as He sees fit. If I never get to do it again, that's ok. It's only a gift to give back to Him anyway. It's been encouraging to see thru this trial and suffering that I truly do believe that.

I think that's partly what made this recent play so sweet and happy for me. It wasn't something I felt entitled to. Or something I secretly felt too good for.

No. I was thrilled to be a part. Excited to coach 7th graders into being the best they could be. Happy my talent filled a need. Reassured that God will still use my gifts. Savoring the opportunity as blessing and favor from Him. And every bit of it was super fun.

Just being able to use terms like "blocking," "scene 5," "stage right," and "curtain call" again soothed something in my soul. A very good feeling. A hopeful kind of feeling. Like everything is in it's proper place.

And I got to have this little face sitting next to me most rehearsals. Fun? I think so. And here she is singing her own rendition of "Tomorrow"--anything to get out of eating dinner :)

Recently I've been thinking a lot about only children.
I've never given much thought to it before.
Because I knew if I ever had kids, I'd surely have several.
But we've reached a place with all my physical stuff
that our little one could be our only one.
So I'm thinking a lot about only children.

And I'll admit that I'm sad and a little scared at the prospect.
It's not what I wanted.
And I find myself wondering worrisome questions, like
are they spoiled rotten like my mom always said?
Are they lonely and missing out?
And how can I keep my own sweet girl from being or feeling that way?

And I fight sadness (have I said that already?)
Children grow so quickly. With one it slips that much faster.
No more three year old birthday parties. Each milestone is the last.
Our home will be quieter. Dinners smaller. Trips to visit the kids someday...shorter.

And what about SaraRose? Will she always wish for a brother or sister?
Will she be ok without a sibling to grow old with?
So many questions.
And more than a few tears.
It's hard not having control.

But I've lived long enough to know that things don't always turn out like we plan.
Like the mother who always wanted a daughter and has four boys.
Or the guy who always dreamed he'd have a family and finds himself divorced.
Life isn't perfect.

I will mourn the loss of not having another baby.
Of course I will.

But eventually...I will move on.

Because having an only child is not the end of the world.
Of course it's not.

It is a blessing. She is a blessing.
She is a spunky little pixie that twirls in the living room and makes me laugh.

I'm so happy to be her mom.

And I don't want to miss out on all I have by worrying about what I don't.
And just because it's not what I always thought,
that doesn't mean it won't still be great.
In fact, I know it will be.

Because God promises--

If she is our only one, it's His best for her.

If she is our only one, it's His best for me.
If she is our only one, it's His best for our family.

And His best is always the best.
I've lived long enough to know that too.

It is good for me to remember these things.
For there will be sadness and questions.
And the portrait may not look exactly like I imagined.
But it's comforting to know that in the end
it will look exactly how it should.

Finely perfected. Filled with love and beauty.
The grand story of a wonderful family.
Regardless of the number of people in it.


                                                             The Three Maddux Musketeers

He will give you....

Christy Nockels is one of my favorite Christian lyricists, and if I could sing like anyone...it'd be her.
I simply love and need the application she places on "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" in this little clip. Boy, does it shift perspective right back to where it needs to be.