It doesn't happen often that something greatly exceeds my expectations. I'm a dreamer, ok?!
But there is one thing that's done it. 
Over and above. 
Cup to overflowing.
Storybook beautiful.
MOTHERHOOD --
Totally better than I ever dreamed it might be.

What I Found Out This Year

2012--ready or not, here it comes! I love that life has cycles, seasons, beginnings and endings,   because I don't know about you, but fresh starts are good for me.  I need the hope a new dawn brings with it. Before 2011 closes I wanted to share a word...two words actually....that I feel have defined this past year for me.
"Just enough"
I've prattled on and on on this blog about the tough times I have with pain and what its like coming to terms with the fact that something really bad may be a forever chronic life issue.
Things have been a roller coaster the past four years. Huge ups (SaraRose Joy being born) and devastating downs (three unsuccessful surgeries anyone?)
But thru the desperation, I've seen "just enough" play out over and over in my circumstances. And I am convinced that most often, this is how God moves.
I don't understand why and it is not my way -- that's for sure!  I desire the BIG, the BOLD, the UNMISTAKABLE. But time after time, I've received bits of hope *just* when I'm convinced all is lost. A word that encourages perfectly *just* when I wonder if I'm forgotten. A medication that helps the pain *just* when I thought I couldn't take anymore. Sustaining grace. Not deliverance. Just enough.
I received two such graces just this morning...both at the perfect moment.
And I wouldn't have always recognized them as such--I would have held out for more.
But I am learning.
It is rarely ALL, but it is ENOUGH.  For some reason I'll probably never know, most often....that's where He is found.
And when I look back on it....it is good!   Difficult, but still good.
"Just enough" was really all I needed.

And on a lighter note.....
Here's SaraRose on New Years Eve, 2008. In a popcorn bin.

And here she is this year. In our clothes hamper.

Happy New Year everyone!

Our Family Photo Book, 2011

Click here to view this photo book larger

Feel free to take a peak! I've been working on this all year and I can't wait to get it in the mail.  It was time-consuming but super fun to put together. If you did anything with us this year, you're probably in it! 

A post just to post, pretty much.

I don't have much to write about (well, except the fact that I've been feeling TERRIBLE and stuck in bed for two days...but I don't really want to talk about that.)
I did want to update here, tho, so I'm just gonna put some pictures up that I've taken recently and call it a post.
Have I ever mentioned that I love my camera?  I think I might have a time or two. I would marry it if I could. It's added so much joy to my life.

Don't you love it when a hobby you kinda want to try ends up being way more awesome than you even thought it might be?

My camera was that.
Blogging is actually another.
I'm sure there's more I could add to that list, but those kind of delightful surprises don't come along very often.
Anyway. Where was I?
 Pictures.

I love that with my camera I can capture moments that normally fly by.  I'm not gonna lie, our tree looks amazing this year. And that makes me very, very happy! Add a quiet morning, my Bible and some hot coffee?  'Tis bliss.

Is there much more precious in this whole wide world as a little three year old (who loves all things frilly and pink) at their first ballet class?  I swoon over this picture. The teacher told them to stand in "first position," notice how her little feet are turned out? And then she gave them a stuffed animal.  All the other girls started walking around and talking at this point.  But my dainty rule-keeper stood right where she was told, a shy smile on her face, holding her animal just. so.

This is me and my girl on one of our favorite nights the of the year.  We all decorated the tree and drank hot chocolate as SaraRose danced around watching "The Polar Express."  And I thought about how that moment. Right there.  Was just about as perfect as life can get on this fallen earth.

I snapped these two pictures at a wedding rehearsal dinner. I actually love the way they turned out. The lighting, the focus, how it captured the mood. But you know one thing I've learned about photography? The pictures that you are the most proud of (because you know all you had to maneuver and to get THAT SHOT just right) are many times are the photos other people are ho-hum about when you show them.
So, you just have to be ok with that.

Alright. That's all for tonight!
I really hope I feel better tomorrow. That would be a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Nighty-night. 

David is my Homeboy

My whole life, the Psalms have been the safe place I run when the world seems to overwhelm me. Being the sensitive, fearful child that I was it was only in reading the Psalms at night--my Bible tucked under my pillow--that I could fall asleep.  The words gave comfort while I slept and promises of strength to face another day at school. 
In sixth grade, I memorized my then favorite--Psalm 91--for a Speech Meet (and oh yea, sixth grade self! I won a 1st Place ribbon, the 1st time I ever received recognition for something performance related.)
Little did I know it then, but thru the even tougher years of growing up--more times than I can count--having those words tucked deep in my heart gave refuge to my confused, young adult soul.
It is still, hands-down, my favorite chapter in the whole Bible, very likely because it's been right there with me thru so much. 
Now in my early 30's I've faced many of my fears, but I still love a life that's more difficult than I imagined for myself. Thru this ordeal with my back pain, Psalm 139 has become a close second favorite chapter. The promises it holds are remarkably personal. It's given peace that God sees me, knows me, and thinks of me more than I can fathom.
I've wanted it memorized for a while.  But the actual memorizing without a class project or deadline or something?  I knew that probably wasn't going to happen. This girl needs accountability :) 
So I was excited when last January, Beth Moore announced on her blog that she provides a place for women to memorize throughout the year (logging in two verses every month, 24 for the full year).   I instantly knew this was my chance to get Psalm 139:1-18 hidden in my heart just as Psalm 91 has been all these years.
 *side note*--As an incentive to those who log in faithfully, Beth is throwing a celebration in Houston, January 2012. I am planning to go and asking for the money for the plane ticket for Christmas!
And I did it. Just a few weeks ago I logged in verse 18! It's been amazing how much slowly memorizing verse by verse has enriched my life.  So often, it's been just what I need at just the right moment. In fact, right before that awful last doctors appointment, I whispered the chapter to myself on the x-ray table.
Here's the proof that I actually do have it all memorized. I recorded this video a few weeks ago, so my hair isn't quite as long anymore.  It looks a little bit more like this now, actually.

But that's neither here nor there....back to the important, spiritual stuff :)

Tough Stuff

I've been having a rough time lately.  Like really rough.  It all started with that stupid doctors appointment.   I wasn't expecting to feel this way, but it's shaken me to the core.  Everything seems more final now.  And its brought back to the surface a ton of disappointments.  I'm trying (again) to work thru it all.  To figure out how God wants me to cope. How do I glorify Him in all of this?  How do I move forward when so many of my dreams aren't possible?
I'm battling thoughts that seem consumed by all I can't do.
Losing your health (especially at a young age) isn't for sissies.
I did a Bible Study recently and one of the questions asked was "what would the perfect day look like for you?" I quickly chimed in with an answer having something to do with shopping and shows in New York City (and everything to do with Andrew being with me :)....but later, on the drive home, I could hardly see thru my tears....because I knew really what the perfect day would look like for me. And it didn't have anything to do with NYC. It was simply waking up and doing anything, being anywhere, without pain.

And there is another massive loss that looms and hurts maybe even more than all that right now. It's difficult for me to even talk about.  But it's where I'm at so I may as well be honest. Because of several elements in my back situation, I can't have another child.  It's a profound loss, but I don't mention it for you to feel sorry for me.  It's just the truth; part of the tough stuff I'm trying to wrap my mind around.  I wrote a little bit about my feelings here. And that helped me process things.  But I know I'm still in mourning--I haven't reached the other side yet. Some days I wonder if I ever will.
I know all of this is huge, heavy stuff. So heavy, in fact, it has the ability to quickly undo all I long to be as a follower of Christ. I know I must tred very carefully as I make my way thru this world of questions, doubt...suffering.  Too often I've watched tough stuff change people. And not for the better, either. Just recently I talked with a friend I admire and love deeply.  Hard times she's facing have allowed some very ugly, cynical views to take root in her mind and heart. It made me so sad to hear her talking that way, believing those lies. Giving in to the hardship.  But it also fortified in me that I do not want to succumb to that kind of mindset. Ever. I don't want to let the pain win over that part of me too.
So I will keep fighting.  It's easy at this point to feel like I've lost.  I fought a long, hard battle for "healing" and it didn't happen. Much in me tells me that I've lost.  But I know that I didn't lose.  My Lord knows all about my circumstances. And my life isn't over yet. And even though these days have been hard, when I take the time to ask and listen, He quietly whispers promises to remind me "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" (Ps. 138:8) and that He "restores the years the locusts have eaten." (Joel 2:25 ) I read those verses within two days of each other....I know He's speaking them into my very tender heart.
So the real question then becomes, will I believe Him in the midst of all the tough stuff...even when I absolutely cannot see it? 

The Doctor Visit I've Been Dreading

I went to my spine doctor today and now I am exhausted.  I'm pretty much always sick at my stomach the day before an appointment, and the whole week prior I am a complete grouch. Andrew just kinda stays out of my way.  Bless his heart. I really try to live one day at a time.  Constant pain+looking too far into the future=panic attack.  So the command from Jesus to "not worry about tomorrow" is a life-saver for me.  My greatest coping mechanism.  But when I know a doctor's appointment is coming, living one day at a time is hard.
Today was especially tough because I had to have the "there's not much more we can do" talk with  the surgeon.  I knew it was coming, but hearing it discussed with real, out-loud words hit me like a Mack Truck.  I got in the car and cried and cried. That is a pretty consistent happening after talking in depth about my back issues, but today it just felt extra sad.  I still have a headache.
Because basically, the pain I suffer with every day is probably stemming from nerve damage or scar tissue that has grown inside the nerve, and it is very hard to diagnose and treat.  There are things that can be done to help manage the pain, but not much that will completely cure it.  I've seen and spoken with a large variety of surgeons over these grueling past 3.5 years, so I've long known (after the last surgery didn't help) that this was probably what I'd be facing.  But still.  Hard to go there. Hard to talk about.  So final.  I'm hopeful that there will be strides made in the area of nerve damage/spine/pain issues in the future and there are even some tests I may try down the not too distant road. But for now, I just want some time of normalcy (my new normal, anyway).   Sept 1st was the anniversary of my third back operation in under three years (including one massive, brutal operation that opened me up from the front AND the back), so are you feelin me here? GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A BREAK.  So.  That is were we are.
The one good thing that came out of today's appointment is that I don't have to switch doctors.  I thought maybe at this point I might have to.  But I'm thankful to stay with him.  He's the one I've always felt the most comfortable with (after meeting an array thru the years). He's been with my story from the beginning (1st surgery was 1999), he's been available when I really needed it, and he definitely knows his spine stuff.  I like him.  So I am thankful that I don't have to start another doctor-find.  Those are daunting.  Some doctors are rude. And it's overwhelming to tell my story over and over. And to then hear the inevitable "Wow. How old are you? You're really young for all this." Yea, I know. Tell me about. 

Lately, I've prayed deeply for direction, so I feel even this little provision is an answer.  I am learning to give thanks for every gift, even if it seems small compared to the big bold answers I know God is capable of.  As I get to know and fall in love with Him more, I realize this is His way.  A still small voice. He asks me to just keep trusting with the big stuff.  So I will. 

I recall a quote I taped in my Bible about a decade ago while I worked at Disney World.  I was 21 and it spoke to me.  I'd would pray it to Him with all my heart many, many times while I went about my day working my dream job.  Little did I know He just might take me up on it. :)

"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.

Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.

Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to Yourself."

 -David Livingstone

I think He's asking me now if I really meant it.  And I did.  Just sustain me, ok, Lord?
I know He will.