Yucking it up in an unlikely place

My husband and I have a little get-away every couple months or so. We go to this quiet place where we're all alone and have time to hold hands, regroup, and talk. We swap stories and have those heart-to-heart chats that make you remember why you love each other.
It's all very lovely and romantic.
except that it takes place in the doctor's office.
Yea.
Here's the deal.
About three years ago I had my first full-blown, I-think-I'm-gonna-die panic attack.
And the awful doctors appointments were the worst part. I mean, sitting for hours just to hear super scary stuff? Seriously. Panic attack waiting to happen.

During those early visits I told Andrew that reading worn out waiting room magazines just wasn't cuttin' it for me. I needed to keep my mind occupied.....and just talk or something.
So that's what we decided to do.
We would talk about anything and everything just to fill the space and keep time rolling quickly. The only stipulation was that conversation must be kept on the up and up. Only the happy, funny or interesting allowed. And absolutely nothing about my back.
At first, I took the reigns and told him every hilarious story I hoped maybe I hadn't told him before. ;) When I ran out of those, I filled him in on the plot line of my latest book (poor guy's pretty much read Twilight himself thanks to my waiting room narrative).
And very quickly he caught on and started chiming in with childhood stories and funny workplace anecdotes.
And it totally worked, ya'll.
Appointment after appointment, chatting it up til the doctor came in kept me completely...un-panicked. ;)
Over the years this has become our waiting room norm. From the moment the nurse closes the door behind us, we start talking. I fill him in on this and that and he'll tell me what he's studying or about some other quirky life situation. We actually have some fantastic talks. I'm sure every now and then the office staff wonders what in the world we're yuckin it up about in there.

It's far better than fighting worry by flipping thru a 2005 ReaderDigest, let me tell ya. And since we are the busy parents of a toddler, one-on-one talk time doesn't happen a ton these days. So it works out on several levels.
Now, I still hate sitting in crappy waiting rooms. But I do enjoy fascinating chats with my bestie.
And
there's been an absence of panic attacks for a very long time. So, I'll take it.

Here we are. Not in a doctor's office. And just for the record, I am officially 3.5 pounds lighter than when this picture was taken. Thank you Weight Watchers.

That is the question

I'm having a hard time knowing what to say.
I start writing but end up flipping closed the laptop and flipping open People magazine instead.
There are just so many things swirling around my head and I wish I had that *gift* of putting it perfectly into written word.
But I guess I'll just forget that and start by telling you the question most gnawing at my head these days:
"What in the world....?"
I'm not asking "why" so much anymore.
Just "what in the world now?"
I've fought a long, hard battle....and in many ways, I've lost.
In spite of all the doctors, all the surgeries, all the terrible everything--the pain remains.
And no one is quite sure why.
And nothing is like I planned it to be.
Here is what I planned it to be:
*Me, pregnant with our second baby. Budding with the expectation each little
kick brings with it. Running here and there busy with the things stay-at-home-mom's get to do.
Reaching out to friends. Meeting new ones. Coming into my own as a woman. Exercising. Playing. Traveling. Cooking. Decorating. Helping. Volunteering. Acting. Church. Busy busy busy.*
But the new plan is very, very different from that. So different and so hard sometimes in fact, that just this morning I was tempted to doubt everything I believe.
But I am not going to do that. I've been there before and it's much too heavy a burden and much too deep a valley. Doubting is for the birds. With God there is much hope. With God I'm assured that even though it appears like I've lost....I really haven't. With God the plan is going exactly as it should be. With God everything's under control. The new plan was the plan all along and He knows it's a really, really good one.

And I believe this, I do. But I think I'm still grieving all I've lost...especially having another child. And I think that's normal. I think God understands. He knows His ways are perfect, but He also knows the sacrifice required is super painful sometimes. He knows it leaves us completely undone and asking "what in the world now?"

And that's it. We're back to the question. I'm not sure how to answer it. The only thing I know is to
keep seeking,
keep trusting,
keep obeying.

And that's all I got for tonight, folks.
Lots of deep thoughts and "a cosmic question thrown out into the void" (to borrow a phrase from Kathleen Kelly ;)

Nighty-night.

My Top Ten of 2010

The myriad of lists recapping the year are my favorite distraction between Christmas and New Years. They're everywhere, all shapes and sizes, and I get sucked in every time. :)
So to end the year, I decided to make my own list, of:
Things That Inspired Me In 2010
Here we go. :)
1. Blog reading-What a treasure trove of goodness is waiting to be uncovered in the blogworld. I'm so happy I've found it. Reading my favorites is what I most look forward to in the long hours I have to rest my back. And I almost always leave either being inspired, feeling more hopeful, or having just plain old laughed out loud. And I must add that it's helped me get over myself too. :) I started out secretly judgmental of those who had "no life other than to comment to bloggers they don't even know." But the more I read the more I realized that being too cool to engage in some of the conversations, I was only hurting myself-- and that my "too cool to comment-ness" was also giving in to my tendency to worry what others think of me. So, I've stopped that. And comment if I want to comment. As a result, I'm getting to know some really great people. How silly to behave otherwise.
2. Blog writing-I'm not a great writer. I'm much more gifted in other areas. But the discipline of writing consistently has made me better at it, and it is nice to see that progress. I'm also thinking, THINKING about telling more people I write here. Because I'm trying to be more brave like that. But we'll have to see about that one.
*side note-now that I've gone on about blogs, will you allow me to share some of my favorites?
--enjoying the small things-everyone should read the touching birth story of Nella Cordelia. Beautiful.
--A Love Like This-Mike and Dana Ritter bravely chat about their first year of marriage. Dana also works at the White House an shares fascinating tidbits. These two are deeply in love, funny, and not afraid to be real about the tough stuff.
--From Harlot to Handmaiden-my friend's Katie's posts are thought-provoking and from the heart.
--Stuff Christians Like-hilarious. Just plain hilarious.
--The Lettered Cottage-fabulous, cost-effective decorating tips.
3. Get Out of that Pit- This Beth Moore book was a crucial turning-point. It placed tools in my hand to help me really and truly get out of the pit that crippling disappointment had thrown me in. It reassured that in Christ, pain has a plan and it doesn't have to destroy me. It also showed me the power of praying Scripture.
4. Christ in me-I know this one sounds strange, but let me explain. I am the biggest scardey-cat I know. Always have been. Since I was a kid I've stood in awe of the naturally thick-skinned. Because I'm so not. I'm usually the one melting down when things get tough. Not so great under pressure. And I've always feared the day when something really horrible would crash into my life, because I didn't think I could handle it. But it's been three years since something really horrible did crash into my life. And I didn't fall apart. It didn't crush me. I survived and proved that I'm stronger than I ever dreamed. I've had my struggles, yes. But I'm still here. God and I have wrestled, it's true. But I'm still trusting Him. And I'm utterly amazed. Or I should say I'm amazed at the God in me that has made me more than I am. And I'm not as fearful anymore. Because I know now that with God, even if the worst happens....I'll be alright.
5. SaraRose-there is something magic her smile, and in her sweet childhood need for me. On the mornings when I think I absolutely can not do it, I see her little head at the kitchen table and know that somehow, I absolutely can.
6. Weight Watchers-Gave me some power back. My 20 pound weight gain seemed to be the physical proof that all the freaking pain was winning. I felt defeated without the option of being active. But Weight Watchers was my whispered answer to prayer. And I'm so thankful.
...AND I'm starting up again Jan 1 (wink :).
7. Aunt Carol-my super cool aunt lives in LA and has her own fair share of back problems (runs in the family). She has been my #1 encourager. She faithfully writes me handwritten letters, sends gifts and has amazingly shipped a movie and a funny card every. single. WEEK since my last surgery! Count it! That's 2o movies. Amazing. Such a smile inducer!
8. Books-I loooooove to read. And while blogs took over a bit of reading time this year, books continue to be my happy place. Because of them, I'm rarely bored, and am continually inspired.
*And I might as well share books I read this year too ;)
--Little Women (after you read it, you'll understand why it's so cherished.)
--Get Out of that Pit (nuff said :)
--The Harry Potter series (Do it. Just do it.)
--Hugh Sidey's Portraits of the Presidents (surprisingly the most inspirational book of the whole year)
9. Joni Erickson Tada- since Jr. High she's been my greatest living hero. And this year, on top everything, faced breast cancer. She is a warrior and I love her. Here's her blog too. Can't wait to hug her neck in heaven someday.
10. Talks with Andrew-My health problems are a burden on him too. But he has never once complained or made me feel guilty. As panic attack as I can be, he's as equally level-headed. When my fears reach a breaking point, he always seems to know what to say to put me at ease. I always leave our talks with a burden lifted. Thanks, honey.

Well, that's it, folks.
2010, it's been real. You've brought much goodness, but I'm not sad to see you go! Even so, thanks for the things I've learned. I'll never be the same.

Happy Christmas

I just said "Happy Christmas" to sound a little British. Because ever since my 6th grade report on it, I love all things England. I'm definitely one of the ones getting up at 3:00am April 29th to watch the Royal wedding.

But that is neither here nor there. ;)

I really just wanted to post our Christmas picture and say thanks for sticking around and reading my silly thoughts and tear-stained posts this year. It's nice knowing you're here.

Hope you have a beautiful Christmas!

Looking up

Well, after my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day on Wednesday I feel the need to update.

I had a really wonderful Thanksgiving.

We sat all jammied that morning and watched the Macy's parade. SaraRose kicked her legs and twirled with the Rockettes as Andrew and I chatted over coffee. And we ate this for breakfast:

Monkey bread. One of my favorite flavors in the whole world. Very fattening. Very good.

And we had a laughing good time at family dinner that night.

I also got out on Black Friday. Which was a biggie since I haven't been up to it for 3 years now.

And SaraRose came along to complete the fabulous girls only shopping day. Here she is with her glassy eyed bed head at 5:00 am., what a good sport!

It all really was terrific.

There is so much goodness and joy.

It's just switching my attitude and actions that's the tricky part.

Looking up instead of at my circumstance.

Because in my circumstances,

I'm coming to grips with the fact that really and truly my life may be lived with chronic pain.

And wrapping my mind around all that means.

It just makes me so

sad/discouraged/jealous/about 100 other feelings.

And many times I don't handle things so maturely because of that looming burden.

I am still praying for a miracle.

But I'm also aware of with the fact that it just may not happen.

And clinging to the hope that that really is OK. Because there is a plan for me, and it is perfect.

Even though I never ever expected crippling pain to be a part of that plan...it just may be.

But there are still losses I'm grieving and questions only God can answer.

I am back to living one day at a time, and looking for blessings in spite of it all--

because that is the only way I can manage my fear,

and it's how I'm supposed to live anyway. ;)

--and praying He'll show me what in the world He has for me next.

Before Thanksgiving

Have I been down today, or what?! Since you haven't been here with me, I'll just fill you in that yes. Yes I have. It's one of those days I absolutely cannot snap out of it. And that coming from a gal who, if I do say so myself, has learned quite bravely to live with a smile while in constant pain. And it's even worse that it's right before a holiday that's totally all about being THANKFUL. Everywhere I turn there are chipper lists of happy things.....
and I feel like a louse for feeling a bit miserable!
There are several reasons I'm in a funk, but they all pretty much stem from my back pain which hasn't changed since my latest surgery. It's hard to describe the disappointment something like that brings. You put all your hopes in this one horrible basket and then.........nothing. And then there's the other considerable losses chronic pain brings with it. Today, it's all just felt a little too much to handle (in a mature fashion). So I've cried. Alot.

I think I might run out now and buy the 7th Harry Potter book, maybe that will help things. ;) I'm just now reading thru the series (and loving it, I might add) but I just so happen to be on the last book the same week the last movie came out. So, at the library every single HP book was checked out. So, of course Miss Sensitive Today cried about that too! Seriously. It's been an emotional day.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. That's the great thing about a new day. There is always the promise of fresh starts and a rested spirit.

And at least I don't have it as bad as poor Harry. ;) What with all the grown-ups he loved dead and Voldemort on his tail. Sheesh. That's one thing I can be thankful for! :)

The good, the hopeful part

This morning it was just SaraRose and me.

For a mother who has very few moments alone with her little girl, to me, each one is sacred.
This is the first time we've gone out, just the two of us, in two months.
As I breathed in the fresh air with her little hand in mine, my heart could hardly take in the gladness the simple act of running an errand brought me.
We got in the car and SaraRose quickly said "Turn it up, I like this song!" as she lifted her arms and (very cutely) acted out playing a tiny violin along along with the intro.

And as we drove, I too was drawn into the beautiful melody and calming words. I smiled brightly as my little one sang along loudly from the back seat.
"I want to hear it again!" she said, and so did I. So I hit repeat, and we both sang along over and over again.
I don't know if there is much sweeter than looking in the rear view mirror to see a tiny little mouth singing about the deep, deep love of Jesus. And watching a chubby toddler hand raised in praise as she copies what her mommy's doing in the front seat.
And, heck, there is not much better than singing praises to Him for that deep, deep love yourself.

Regardless of what the truck driver next to you thinks. ;)

When life takes a jagged turn and to your story is added chapters you never wished for, it's hard to take for granted those perfect moments when your story looks just like (or even better) than you imagined it would.
And as we got out of the car, I sent a prayer into the blue sky that there would be more, many more glimpses into the good, the hopeful part of my story.