There is a monster in my room

Make that a green-eyed monster. He's been hovering around here all morning while I deal with some pretty strong jealousy issues.
I never before much thought of myself as a jealous person. I've shared before that fear is usually my biggest vice. But especially since my health problems started and I got major limitations put on my dreams, I feel jealousy slip in more and more. Always robbing my joy and leaving me angry...many times at people I love.

Why is it sometimes so much easier to weep with those who weep, than to rejoice with those who rejoice?

I have wonderful gifts in my life. I know this.
No one's life is perfect, even if it looks it. I know all of this and more.
I could preach a sermon on it.
It just isn't easy to live out.
Especially because for me there is almost always a real, worthy loss mingled in with my covetous feelings. Things that really matter and that are truly sad and that deserve to be mourned and validated.
But it's a sticky slope. Because my feelings of sadness easily become hostility towards someone else's happiness,
and that is more than just grief...that is sin.
I suppose this is just one more way Christ's strength will have to be perfect in my weakness, because I definitely don't have what it takes to fight it on my own.
I've given in to pity over and over.
But I don't want to stay that way.
I want to fight this and be free.
Free to love others. To desire the very best for their lives.
(you know that whole pesky "love does not envy" thing? Yeah.)
I want to live in confidence that I am blessed beyond belief.
Resting in the happiness that God knows all about my hopes and dreams.
And that He will honor them in His time. And in a way that is best for me.

This is some big time spiritual warfare stuff, people.

So I will fight the green-eyed monster today with my shield of faith, breastplate of righteousness, and sword of the Spirit.
That's all I know to do at this point.
Because my feelings are fickle, yet strong. So strong. Strong enough to ruin an entire lifetime if I let it.
But I don't want to let it.
And in God's strength, I won't.

Pinterest. I may never sleep again.

Do you ever get the dull-drums? Those days you feel less than inspired? Like you need a deep breath of fresh air? I have a remedy for you. It's silly, inspiring and wildly remarkable all at the same time. I know you'll love it.
It's called Pinterest. Have you heard of it?
Neither had I, but man....it's awesome. Especially for you creative types out there.
What is it? Well, I'm not totally sure. I'm just learning, but essentially it's the same thing as ripping out and saving favorite pages from magazines. Only better. Because I don't know about you, but I'm not so good at the actual organizing of those pages once I rip them. They eventually end up--not where I need them when I need them to remember that crucial paint color/cute dress/bright idea I saw. This is one reason Pinerest is great. It let's you "pin" your cool online inspirations so they are always neatly organized. And best of all, you can look at other people's pin boards and see what's inspired them. When you find people with your same artistic tastes, there's some uh-mazing stuff see. I cannot. Stop. Pinning!
Here's an idea of a few things I've pinned so far
Photography Shoot Ideas:

Fantastic rooms I just like to look at: Bright Ideas:
And the list goes on and on. If you want to view all my pin boards, click here.
The only quirky thing about it is that you have to be invited to start. Whatever. I supposed they're just trying to keep their system from getting too overloaded. But just put your email address in, and click on "request an invite." Within a few hours I had a email saying I was good to go. I think you'll be happy you did. I always leave with a smile on my face and inspiration in my soul. And some days we just need that, agree?

Singing in Public: Proof I Love My Dad

Oh geez.
Ok, below is a video of Andrew and me singing for my dad on Father's Day. I must preface this, however by saying I am no singer, people. I love to sing, it comes from my heart and that's about as far as it goes. My husband, on the other hand, is a wonderful singer. He had a full-ride scholarship thru college because of his fantabulous voice. So, dude can make any one sound better when they're singing next him. That said, I really did enjoy doing this. It's always fun singing with my hubby (in the car and around the house), so how is singing with him in front of a few hundred people any different, right? Yea, right. :)
But most of all I enjoyed this because I did it for my dad. And my dad is THE MAN. I love him a ton. He deserves so much, and I know this made him really happy. I NEVER EVER sing in public, so he was genuiniely suprised. My favorite thing about the video is his proud face as he watches us. Every father thinks their kid with the solo sounds amazing and my dad is no different. :)

We're on the video around the 19 minute mark. Just after the church sings "Great is Thy Faithfulness"



Video streaming by Ustream

On crows feet and getting older

Do you see this? In just this last month or so I started to notice small, deep lines creasing from the corners of my eyes. I believe we call them crows feet. Sigh.
I got my first gray hair at 19, and I'm pretty much a bottle brunette now--and that has never phased me. But when I spotted real life wrinkles on my face, I did a double-take.
Woah.
I guess I really AM going to start looking old one of these days. Me? Yes, me. It will happen.

Andrew asked on my 33rd birthday (two weeks ago) how I feel about getting older. And I told him the truth. That all in all, I don't mind it a bit. In many ways it makes me really happy. I love to see progress in my life and every year I've gotten better (on the inside at least!).
Even my darned health problems have put a lot of things in perspective and chipped away at an entitlement attitude I've lived with a lot of my life. I didn't see that three years ago.
Every year brings change and directed by God, it is change for good. Even if it has been a rough year. I love that. I want to be a vibrant, confident woman who is unafraid to live from her heart and who loves God and people generously. But it takes time. It takes work. It takes aging. Especially for a natural scardey-cat like me.

So the getting older thing is good...the looking older thing, not so much. But I guess it comes with the territory. I just hope that I'm always becoming more beautiful from the inside. And that the lines on my face are greatly surpassed by the beauty of my spirit. No matter what age I am.

My favs: the inexpensive edition

I was born with super duper enthusiasm. Which is all fine and dandy. Until it becomes a problem. Like when I really, really like something. I can't just like it, I usually end up loving it, and then I can't stop myself.....I have to GUSH about it.
Given this tendency, I can definitely overdo it at times. Leading the poor person I'm talking with to inevitable disappointment when my recommendation doesn't completely transform their existence on planet earth.
So. I'm going to try hard and not go over board here as I talk about some of my favorite things. I'm just going zip it, and let the product speak for itself when you try it. But seriously. Try it! (See? I'm working it at this. I've only used 1 exclamation point so far :)
The best part about all of these items? --They are under 10 dollars, and they are all seriously fabulous. Wait. Scratch that. They are inexpensive products that will render fine results. ugh. This is going to be difficult. :)
#1 St. Ives Invigorating Face Wash

This is the most tried and true. I've been using it for 10 years, and it's never let me down. If you're looking for an exfoliating nightly cleanser....this is it. It takes make-up off, cleanses beautifully, and leaves skin noticeably soft. Even hands feel smoother after applying.

#2 Loreal Voluminous Mascara This is my most adored. Because I hunted for the perfect mascara for years. I even tried the realllllly expensive stuff. (Another confession: my eyelashes are stubby and short. So much so I often wear falsies.) So are you feeling me here? I need a good mascara. Then I found this. The most perfect, thick but not sticky, soft but long-lasting, dark but not clumpy black mascara. And it has stood the test of time. I truly believe it's the best out there, and believe me, girlfriend has tried them all. (uh-oh. It think I just slid into gushville)

#3 Revlon Gray Suede Nail Polish, 705

This is a fashionable find. Neutral nail polish is not only "in" right now, but it is also lovely and practical. It doesn't scream "I HAVE NAIL POLISH ON!" yet it provides nice color and an easy look for any occasion. I've tried several different neutral shades, but this one is just right. Not too pink, not too brown, not too grey. And it's longer lasting than several pricey OPI polishes I've worn.
#4 Gap City Flats (just pretend my feet are nicely tanned in this picture for full effect)

My most recent fav. I originally read how fabulous these little shoes are from Ree (you know, my best friend who I've never met....The Pioneer Woman). But when I saw Big Mama also mentioned how comfy they are, I had to take this matter into my own hands. With back issues, a cute flat is my friend. And these truly are very, very comfy. And very,very cute. Given how they look hanging up I never would have even glanced at them, but seeing them on is a different story. And they come in an array of fun colors. There were tons on sale at Gap now. Originally $29.99, I brought 2 pairs at $7.98 each. And I'm glad I did.

Ok so there you go. Go try some of these for yourself and see if any have YOU gushing.

Ways He Sustains & Two People to Prove It

God’s choices never cease to baffle and amaze, but ultimately comfort me.
I’ve found that even thru my toughest times He has always there, sustaining. And I'm not just talking about the touchy-feely comfort of His Holy Spirit. Many times, it's more than that. Many times, it's as practical as a real life person sent to help me carry the load. As I look back over my 32 years (going on 33, ahem!), two stories imparticular come to mind.
The first was during my first real job out of college. I worked for a very difficult person (and that's putting it nicely). To this day I can get all riled up talking about how I was mistreated and taken advantage of by my boss. And this was my first real job ever! (I told you to not get me started :)
It was a rough time, and I longed to be delivered.
But my husband was still in college so we *kinda* needed for me to have a job. I looked frantically for other openings, praying for an out. But over and over I kept hearing the same answer: “My grace is sufficient for you.” I ended up not getting a new job until Andrew graduated and we moved.
But here's the point...
In the day in and day out of that battle there was a kind, funny administrative assistant named Janie that was hired to work beside me. We became quick friends. She made me laugh. She believed in me. She had practical work smarts and helped me navigate decisions. She encouraged me when my boss threw me under the bus. I smile now just thinking of her, because she was such a God-send. A physical, flesh and bone sustainer when I really, really needed it. God didn’t deliver me from that experience, but thru her sweet smile and helpful hand, I was able to bare it.

Fast forward 5 years and here's the second story. This one's quite recent: It's well documented on this blog that I live in pain. Because of that, I don’t have the physical stamina to care for SaraRose all day by myself, and that's been really hard on this mama’s heart. For a long time my own mom was coming over all day, every day, to help me care for her, and that was a lot on both of us. After a while, Andrew’s parents offered to pay to put SaraRose in daycare to help provide everyone a little break. Now, I know daycare is a wonderful option for many, but I've had a life long dream of being a stay-at-home mom and the thought of giving that up just to lie in bed was a low blow to my already tender heart. I cried at the thought, and prayed desperately for something to GIVE already. But the prayers and days wore on and the healing didn’t come.
But here's the point...
During that time, God kept bringing to mind my friend Summer. Summer, a fellow stay-at-home mom who’d just recently moved down the road from me. Summer, who’s schedule was super flexible. Summer, who’s little boy, TK, is SaraRose’s exact same age and just happens to be her favorite playmate. Summer, who might welcome a bit of extra income.
It all fit. It fit too perfectly to just be coincidence.
She and TK started coming over two mornings a week.
...and It. Has. Been. Wonderful. It's the perfect reprieve I need to make it thru the rest of the day on my own. SaraRose has a blast and I love Summer's company. Her schedule works perfectly with my moms and with her here, I relax and feel more like a regular mama just sharing a playdate. And best of all, I've been able to keep that blessed stay-at-home mom status. It was not the deliverance I prayed for, but it has been just enough to help me bear the load (not to mention Summer and I've had the unexpected blessing of a very deep friendship growing between us.)
I’ll never understand the hand of God.
I would love it if He'd just take me out of tough circumstances.
But I am learning to trust Him and to and see that even though it is hard, He has never left me alone.
And I'm eternally grateful for those,
the many,
He's used to sustain me when I needed it most.
Both Janie and Summer have been Jesus' hands and feet to me.
Who says you can't see the hand of God?

Paper Packages Tied Up With String

Do you know what this is? It's one of my favorite things. I find it in my mailbox every single week, and it has my name written on the outside. Enclosed there's always a movie and a hand-written letter from my Aunt Carol (we're both movie lovers). She started sending these to me Sept 1, the date of my last surgery, and she hasn't stopped since. And did I mention I get them every single week? Just to encourage me and to let know me how much she thinks of me. It's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done. I've told her she can stop sending them whenever she needs to, but it's kinda become a highlight in my life. No pressure, Aunt Carol. :) I am loved.